Cross Walk of Oblivion.

So we stopped doing the radio show and from the airwaves we disappeared.

My all too trusting voice went from beaming through a 300000 brains on two different frequencies to gracing only the increasingly uncomfortable denizens of my living room.

to tell you the truth, I haven't left the house in months.

Every week I fold all my dirty laundry into tight little packages and post them through my down stairs neighbours front door. I have started a compost heap in the corner of my kitchen. I called the phone company and told them to go fuck themselves but ended up getting a 12 month extension on my broadband package.

In many ways I have have all that I need. though I am starting to run out of clothes.

Luckily I have enough money to buy all the food I can eat from reputable on-line retailer 'HIPPO' 
They are a Yugoslavian delivery only store, that brands it's self as a kind of down market version of Aldi.
Among other things, they sell consumer products looted from Sub-Saharan Africa by tribes of armed horsemen.

as a result I'm eating a lot of Teff. It's organic and given that it's stolen at gun point it's a lot cheaper than the fair trade stuff. But seriously the gradualy wearing down of my rear molars is definitely preferable to the almost certain destruction that would come to me if I were to step outside my front door and venture onto the streets of Stokes Croft.

It's not that I am afraid. I have given up being afraid. It's more that I am frightened. Frightened of what I know. More frightened of what I don't know. The terrible secret that lurks behind every 32 year old man-child whose clothes probably looked good on them in 2003. They walk together in perfect unison as if not entirely human.

I watch them from my window.  They watch me back. We have reached an impasse but I am still searching for a compromise.

Last night I put up a little sign that simply read... "I just didn't have time to do the damn show every damn week"

They wrote one back that simply said.
"but you told us you loved us..."

I wept. because I still do. But I also want to play X-Com and have straight-sex with my wife (though not always both at the same time).

I wept for the lost son that was the City of Bristol and in particular that weird little bit of it between the killing fields of Redland, the poppy fields of Montpelier and the Academic Fields of Sociological Discourse, Experimentation and study that is St Paul's.

I wept for the Croft. a bar now closed that symbolised the garage band dream of Bristol, The dizziy heights of that beer soaked back room floor where one person danced to all the songs but most people just wiggled a bit during the last one.

Where will Big Jeff dance now? (Old Market, maybe?)

The answer is Everywhere.  Everywhere he can among the faceless nameless troops of the Half-Discovered Self Awareness Army. Soldiers uniformed in filthy Khaki, old enough to have cemented an identity but prevented from completing the job by cannabis narcosis and an invasive multi-media advertising campaign orchestrated by a cadre of clean cut graphic-design débutantes, hell bent on making the world feel ill at ease. Thinking globaly, acting selfishly... These are the true social elite.

Five years from now one of them will run for mayor. She will become the mayor of 26hr a day Party Town. they will worship her...  The party Mayor. Princess of the Croft. She will dress like Adam Ant crossed with a lime green glitter bomb. She will bring us Eurovision. She will drink champagne, and not even notice the salty taste of sweat and tears encrusted on the rim of the glass. On the eve of her victory...claiming it to be a meeting of minds... she will not think twice of falling into bed with her campaign manager.

And when we are done, after the incomprehensible small talk is over, the votes will be counted and she will have won, and she will carry me through the city, and I will finally be protected for She will pull-in her arms and bare her teeth! and  from her shining back, sword in hand, I will shout down to the adoring public... look look, you can't touch me now boy's I'm riding a fucking T Rex!

Until then I'm not going outside.

The point is. We'll be back soon with a new show. 
in case you haven't guessed already, it's going to be about computer games.

"Does a horse have Buddha Nature? Neigh! screams Sugar-lump..."

"Does a horse have Buddha Nature? Neigh! screams Sugar-lump..."



Those brave enough to Press Play


Will be rewarded with a uniquely personal and fulfilling experience. (akin to the feeling people get at the highpoint of a televisual "journey")

I want you to picture us as cadre of part-time unqualified sex-therapists. A wandering collective of enthusiast-gynecologists, amateur in the truest and most complete sense of the word, We don't do this for money. We do this for love. We invite you to join us... To become one of the team.

I want you imagine this as possibility. Entertain the idea.
Picture yourself in a white coat shaking hands with several other pseudo-medicinal hobbyists. Sharing our values.
Live there for a moment.

Now I want you to realize that this trip into your imagination has been a little bit to vivid. You we're more than just picturing it. You were experiencing it. you are almost able to feel the skin on latex glove contact of the handshakes. See the softly sinister grins. A reflection of yourself in a pair of NHS standard glasses. Could you be in dream right now? "I hope to god I'm not driving" you think to yourself. your limbs feeling heavy and slow.

"Am I driving?"

Then your attention shifts. You feel nervous. Off Balance. "Why would somebody want to convince me that I'm dreaming?" you think. "What's in it for them?" The it starts to feel like A bad dream. but you stick with it.
All that is bad has the potential to turn good. You are sure about this. It's why you keep listening to that god awful radio show on BCFM.

You are late for work now. Maybe you should try and wake up? You see a chestnut stallion standing alone and confused on a deserted welsh back-road. A streetlight casting yellow light down an avenue of trees. ARAF painted in bold white letters on the floor. You are intrigued... But you're also late for work and no matter how much you beep your horn the damn thing just won't budge. And he looks at at you with those big horse eyelashes and bulging thighs and says.... "Hey baby, got room for one more?"

this, you think... could be the beginning of something beautiful or it could be very painful. Deep inside... their is a stirring. You know that it is right. He is the equine lover you have always dreamed of. That mane. those fetlocks. The way he moves. His hair in the wind. He looks like he's on fire.

You make the decision to say YES!

Then there is a montage. It's you and horse together arm in arm on meadows and sun set beaches... On holiday in New York. Summer in the Hamptons. Weekends on the sofa watching re-runs of Murder She Wrote. He always knows who did it. 'You're so clever' you swoon... These are the salad days.

Its an unconventional wedding with a centaur for a priest. it's an image of an ultra scan in a hospital with twin seahorses making a heart shape in your belly. His Hoof in your hand. You can feel them kicking. 'Chomping at the bit' says the doctor, your lover considers this remark to be culturally offensive but doesn't say anything at the time. he knows this day is important to you and doesn't want to make a scene.

In the coming months the faux pas is forgotten, lost in the lilac fog of your shared Joy.

"It's a Horse!" shouts the doctor. The stallion has never looked so proud. You turn to his chiseled flanks and swoon again. Deeper than you ever thought possible. "I love you sugar-lump... but what the hell is that noise..."

"It's another Horse!" shouts the doctor excitedly

"Neigh!" Screams Sugarlump!

"What? what is it! whats wrong!"

There it is that beeping sound a truck reversing on your happiness. "is something wrong?"

"Neigh! Neigh!"
"Nurse" Screams the doctor. His voice filled with panic.

The beeps, gets faster and faster, crashing into each other to become one solid tone. .  .
All noise is drowned out by the sound of death on a heart rate monitor.

"My Horse Babies! My beautiful, beautiful Horse Babies!

You open your eyes and stare at your bedroom ceiling. you feel your stomach... empty, filled only with ennui.
To your left. On his side of the bed. Your real human partner looks at you like you're crazy.

"Did I just say that out loud?" you say,

And that's when you know:
The biological clock... is ticking.

The Protest Singer Rides a Lonely Donkey Through the streets of New Orleans.

These are the new rules of the game.

If you want to Listen to the ETP you need to contact me for an invite. If you know someone who you think would get a kick out it let me know and I will send them an invitation to the Exciting and Erotic world of Bristols Seedy Underbelly.


We tried. We really tried to go legit with this but the legit world just didn't work out. It turns out we are better off as Pirates.


Here is the podcast for the last two weeks that are not available on the legit website for some reason.

Press  PLAY
For an exclusive live, as yet un-broadcast studio session with The Lasting Days, They will be sending us lots of links ect.

and then
Press PLAY
For a quite frankly mediocre episode where me and Matt explore the ins and outs of our flagging physical relationship, while Producer Lyndsey watches and takes notes.

As always right clicks can cause downloads to happen.

45,46,47,48,49,50: The begining of the end of the begnining.

Dear Toast Fancier,

I know I don't always treat you right I know that sometimes I disappear for weeks on end and then come back smelling of booze and other women. And while I may have stolen your car, blown your child support money on crystal-meth and slept with your little brother, I still believe that with a little sacrifice on both sides, we can make it work.

All I am asking for is a chance to make it all up to you. I'm not promising that I can change. But I will at least pay lip service to the idea of change.

At the bottom of this letter you will find links to no less than six back episodes. I hope that after listening to these, you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Yours Sincerly,

The Erotic Toast Monster

PS. Your brother says hello.

45: PLAY


46: PLAY


47: PLAY


48: PLAY


49: PLAY


50: PLAY

44: The Hangover Burrito

 When the worst happens, this healthy and easily achievable recipe will save your life.


Ingredients,
A Shitload of Beef, Chicken or Lamb
  One Tin of Baked Beans
 One Tin of Kidney Beans
 Buritto Seasoning (available in little yellow packets from your local super market or drug dealer)
An Onion
A Pepper
 Some Burrito Wraps
  Some Letuce/a Bag of  Salad.
 Some Cheese
     A Tomato
Salsa (The sauce not the dance)
 A Jar of sliced Jalepinos
And no eggs.

The trick is to make the Burritos the night before. Do not eat them all. Leave one for the morning. Then drink a crap load of Tequilla and go record a radio show.



INSTRUCTIONS/TRACK LISTINGS
Start by pressing
Play
and then begin defrosting your meat in the microwave.

'Rome' by Phoenix
Place the tin of baked beans and the tin of kidney beans into a blender. Add some of the Burrito Spices. press blend.

'A Small Victory' by Faith No More
Slice the onion and the pepper, place them in a frying pan. Stop and look at them for a moment. Arn't they oddly beautifull. The colours all mixing together. Realise that sometimes even the real world can feel like a dream. Press stop on the blender.


'Oh No' by Andrew Bird
Turn up the heat, but not too high.  Add your now defrosted meat to the mixture of onion and pepper. Add some more Burrito Mix. Stir that shit around until it's pretty well coated with Burritto powder. Then lean in close and whisper a short apology. Explain to it that everything has to eat and that this is the natural order of things. Stick a lid on it. Wipe away a silent tear.


'Fresh Attitude Young Body' by Bomb the Music Industry
It's time to turn your attention to the lettuce and stuff, if it's just a lettuce then wash it, chop it and put it in a bowl. If you bought a bag of salad then just tip it into a bowl. Now it's time to chop up your tomato and put the distended chunks into their own separate bowl. Grate the cheese. This too gets it's own bowl.

'I Like You So Much Better When Your Naked' By Ida Maria
Place the mush of beans that is currently sitting in your blender into yet another bowl. Check that it's microwave proof. Engage the magnetron! Blast the beans for two minutes on full power. Watch them rotate. See them go around and around. Remember that the Microwave was originally called the Deathray and that they wanted to use it to fry fighter pilots in their seats. Giggle a bit when you remember that they used to call the internet 'the information super-highway'. Wonder at the parrot-like nature of the human brain.

'Flight of the Navigator' by Set Your Goals
Take the lid off of that crap in your frying-pan and stir it around a little bit. Take the beans out of the microwave. Stir them around then give them another minute. Look at all the stuff you have on your clean counter-top. All the separate bowls. The yellow of the cheese, the red of the tomato, the green of the salad. Realise what is missing. Set up another bowl and but the deeper blood-red mixture of the salsa in in it. Feel proud. Stir the frying pan again.

'Little Bit' By Lykke Li
Get the wraps out of the plastic wrapper and put them on a plate. Remove the beans from the microwave and put the wraps in their place. Blast um' Captain, for one lonely minute.


'Red Letter Day' by The Get Up Kids
It's time to assemble those badboys! Get your nice warm wrap and smear some refried/microwave beans, all over it, add a bed of meat, some lettuce, cheese, salsa, tomato and a few jalapeño bits. Fold over the bottom then roll it up and tuck it into its self. For extra style point pin the bugger down with a cocktail stick. Remember to make an extra one for the morning. Go to your front room, Sit down infront of the TV, perhaps an old episode of Friends is on. Take a bite.

Remember that you completely forgot about Sour Cream. Wonder why the hell bad things happen to good people.

43: The Quantum Conundrum

I remember the first time I saw the snow. It was 1989 and I was nine years old. My parents had left me alone in the house because they wanted to go to swingers party and figured I'd just get in the way.
I got bored of the television around 2am and wandered outside into the street. Despite the sound of distant sirens, I remember being filled up by a sense of calm. In the pale glow of the street-light even the concrete seemed soft. Blanketed in sheets of white, the perennial piles of rotting garbage looking somehow clean, perhaps even... forgiven.
For just one night. My hellish life in the city lost its cynical edge. 

By morning the snow had turned to a rancid brown sludge and a few doors down there was a gap with a cherry red smear around the edges. It turned out that, that was where a gang of kids had beat a hobo half to death. They probably would have killed him if my parents hadn't interrupted them.

I learned that night that nothing gets corrupted faster or more thoroughly than virgin snow on the blood red streets of the city. Not even you.

In order to listen to this weeks thrilling episode of the ETP, press...

PLAY


Track Listings

'Denise' by Fountains of Wayne
Some people might describe an unpaid weekly podcast/blog combo as little more than a pointless vanity project. Looking at my/our listening figures it is difficult for me/us to argue against them. In my/our defence I would like to point out that if I/we can make just one person think that I/we am/are cooler than I/we really am/are, then I think that I/we can chalk that one down as a win for vanity. The truth is that by getting my/our shit together and turning up on a semi-weekly basis I/we have proved that I/we am/are better than you pigs.


'Tommy C' by Dan Le Sac and Scroobius Pip
I'm/We're really sorry I/we just called you all pigs. You are not pigs. A lot of you are sexy/independent women. Some of you are hairless and capable men. By making the choice to both tune in and download the programme, you have transcended the porcine aspects of your character and joined the ranks of the enlightened. Come, join hands with me/us and let us all ride together on this new and exciting plane of existence. Together/alone, brethren,  I/we shall complain loudly about how Dan Le Sac and Scroobius Pip, although highly capable, will never quite match the potential they displayed in that 'Thou shalt always kill' video on Youtube.


'Oh My God' By Ida Maria
What the hell is it that you people want from me/us? Why don't you go and record your own stupid show and leave me/us alone? Sometimes I/we think about buying a gun and moving to the middle of a national park. I/we want to go a live the life of a bear. I/we want to stride through the open countryside with my/our cubs in tow. I/we want nothing more than enough protein to get through the harsh Yellowstone winter.  I/we want to have my/our image captured by a photographer from National Geographic as I/we stand proud and naked upon a prominence above a crystal blue lake.

See below for detail

'Rock for Sustainable Capitalism' Propagandhi
I/we guess our/my desire to be photographed, reveals the fact that I/we really do need the love and adulation of my/our fellow man/lady. I/we would be lost without the proximity and praise of you the warm-bodied listener. Perhaps in the future I/we will have an army of robotic fans to mob and molest me/us in the street. Until that time comes I/we have you. Thank-you for tuning in. I/we really mean that. Without you the show would be nothing.

'Long Time' by Cake
 'Fame is fleeting', said Oscar Wild, 'but obscurity is forever'
'Forever is a mighty long time', said Prince, desperately hoping that no-one would notice he was taking himself far too seriously.

You like Prince don't you. You're willing to forgive his occasional forays into nobbishness and even his last three albums if it gives you the chance to bask in the light of his reflected purple glory. You really are a massive idiot. Only you're best friend would tell you... but you are.

'Looking for my Leopard' by Seven Seconds of Love 
When I/we say 'you'... I/we don't mean you. How could I/we possibly mean you. I/we don't even know you. Probably. You could be Brian Cox for all I/we know. You could be Justin Lee Collins. You could be a contender for gods sake. 
Just who do I/we mean when I/we say you then?
Probably me/us. That's who I/we are really talking about here. At heart I/we am/are a/all Fanboy/Fanboys. Surely there is nothing wrong with having heroes. Surely that deserves to be forgiven, perhaps even encouraged.

'Breaking the Girl' by The Red Hot Chilly Peppers

See... look... Erotic Toast... get it!

Flea plays the flute on this track. That doesn't sit well in your mind with your image of Flea, the muscular Bass player with the fixed speed-head grin and outlandish tatoos. When you think of the flute you imagine polished public school girls pursing their lips. You imagine Ron Burgundy popping his head under the toilet door. This new contradiction introduces you/us to a new and interesting quatum state of mind where flea can exist on both Bass Guitar and the Flute at the same time. I/we are betting that this is more than your monkey brain can handle. Unless of course you/we are professor Brian Cox.

'Thinking about You' by Radiohead
Damn you/us Brian Cox, Damn you/us to hell.  I/we are going to the bathroom. I/we are typing this message. I/we are out eating a meal with my/our cousin because it's his/your birthday.
What time is it?
It's that time of day when my/our wife gets home and wonders why we/you haven't done any washing up yet. I/we will tell you/us what time it is/isn't. It's time for me/us/you to go.

Goodnight.

42: A plague on both your houses!

I was pretty sick when we recorded this show. I'm all better now. Sometimes when you have a near death experience like that your whole life flashes before your eyes... This is one of those times. I know I bullshit a lot but all of these are true.

To hear this episode (which mostly consists of me coughing...)  press

PLAY

Track Listings

 '2nd Sucks' by A day to Remember
Memory one... it's sports day and in order to make myself run faster I have bought myself a Mars Milkshake drink. I am pretty quick for a short kid and manage a half decent time in the 100 meters. Then I heave over and puke that milkshake all over the floor.

'I Could Never Break Your Heart' by Fol Chen
Memory two. I am on a German exchange programme. I am 14 years old and wandering around a zoo in Hamburg with a kid called Gavin from Weston super Mare. Before we went to the zoo we had been to visit the Burgermeister  (Mayor). There had been a hospitality table with free cokes and I'd loaded up on that shit. Now, back at the Zoo, I badly need to piss but all the signs are in German and to make matters worse they seem to lead me on a route that goes all the way around the damn zoo before going anywhere near a urinal. To cut a long story short, somewhere near the Penguins I piss myself. Gavin and I walk around until my trousers dry off. Then we get back on the bus with all the other kids and go back to the hotel.

'Side projects are never successful' by Bomb the Music Industry 
Memory three. Despite a crippling lack of talent my mum is convinced I can follow in her footsteps and play in an orchestra, she plays the cello (so does my sister) and I play violin. I fail the audition but they let me in anyway because mum is one of the teachers and they are worried that if none of her kids are involved she will stop volunteering her weekends and they will have to find a new cello coach.
I am a fourth row second violin. I am mostly lost and holding the bow above the strings so that I don't mess thing up for my mum by actually making any noise.

Sometimes we play a piece called 'Andrews piece.' All I know is that I like it and it's by one of the kids in the orchestra. I assume one of the soloists or  front row 1st's.  There is another kid in my row called 'Scabby' he stinks like a tramp and is badly bullied. Word is he'll do anything for half a chew-it. I find out weeks later that he is Andrew. The contradiction blows my mind.


'Highways' By Joe Purdey 
Memory Four. It's the last year of GCSE's I am reeling from the fact that my parents have finally divorced. My sister is dating a psycho boxer and I am getting regularly beaten up in the street, (mostly for being small, white and confused).

I decide that talking is over rated and that it's easier to get through school if I just stop. I don't say another word for two months. On my last day a group of kids tells me that they are going to gather in the stairwell to beat me up when the bell goes. I don't even try and avoid them. I just walk right over and let them do it. After a while they get bored and I walk home.

'Hands down' by Dashboard confessional
Memory Five. I am standing with my old best friend at the top of a hill called 'Dangerous Hill' We are looking at the view of the city. In that moment we are in love with the city. We love the reality of it. The ugly beauty. This city of tiny lights is spread out in front of us like a mirror image of the milky-way. In my mind each one of those lights represents another human being, another life, another perspective on the unknowable nature of the universe.

Years later I try and skateboard down dangerous hill and bust up my ankle pretty bad. Guess I should have taken more heed of the name.

'I walked' Sufjan Stevens 
Memory Six. I am sixteen and living in rural Wales. My route home takes me past some crazy ass one-eyed farm-dogs that like to chase cars. Usually one of my step brothers is with me but today I am on my own. The dogs look at me. I look at them. They bare their teeth and growl. I decide to go around the block to avoid them. It turns out that 'Around the block' is about five miles, this is the trouble with applying urban logic to a rural problem.

'In the Offing' by Worn in Red 
Memory Seven. I am 11 years old and lying on a beach, everyone else is body-boarding later on I will have a go and realize how fun it is but right now I think it looks silly, cold and dangerous. I am next to a four month old baby who is playing with some pebbles. Just as I am drifting off into a day dream the kid picks up a rock and smashes it into my head. It doesn't break the skin but it hurts like hell huge lump comes up like in a cartoon. The baby laughs and laughs.
 
'Walkin' by My Morning Jacket
Memory Eight. I am thirty years old and I'm not happy about it. My cousin has just died in an avalanche on Ben Nevis. the dude was amazing. Pure smile, muscle and heart and now I'm off to his funeral.  There is snow all over the road and in order to get my car out I am having scrape it off the road with a shovel and lay a trail of rock salt that some guy has brought out from his house. I hate snow is a way that I never thought I would.

Goodnight. 

41: Lets Get Naked... Together!

No one has contacted us with requests for naked photographs, either separately or together.  If you would like naked pictures and have been desperately trying to get in touch with us we can only apologise. Perhaps you have written the email address down wrong or something. The email to remember is DannAndMatt@BCFM.org.uk or call us on the usual number. either before, after or during the programme, which incidentally you can listen to or download (right click save link as)...by pressing

PLAY

Time for the...

Track Listings

'Escape from the Killing Fields' by Ice T
Escaping from killing fields is a lot more difficult if you are naked. First of all there tends to be mud and broken glass and stuff under foot. Second, you are super conspicuous and third, if nothing else, you really want to be wearing some kind of body armour in that kind of situation.
Little known fact: In the original draft of 'Die Hard' John McClane was naked and had a pathological condition that left him extremely turned-on by gun play. 


'Web in Front' by The Archers of Loaf
In the early 90's we ran out of band names and just started sticking random words together. The name of the song come from instructions yelled to Spiderman during an episode of the comic where he found himself naked, surrounded by mirror images of the green goblin and temporarily blinded by the faeces of a rhesus makak. This track is taken from the album 'Give him the bread fist!'   

'Fighting Trousers' by Professor Elemental
Steam. Hot water. Excited molecules released from the stifling bounds of electro-magnetic attraction.  Punk. Angry Teens. Excited pustules of hormonal interaction released from the bonds of societal expectation. Is it any wonder that the two of them would get together one day? Let me also add that the Professor is clearly naked at the beginning of this song. Naked and not alone.

For your consideration...
Mr B VS Professor Elemental
For a fair comparison you really ought to watch this too.


'Pink Roses' by GlassJaw
I'm just going to come out and say it. He's talking about labia right? I could be wrong. Maybe I've got the heating on too high and it's stopped my brain from functioning correctly. Maybe since I've been sitting here naked and surfing the internet for three solid days, I've lost all sense of what is beautiful in the world. Pink Roses.  


'Papa Was a Rodeo' by Magnetic Fields
Magnetism is difficult to explain, but not as difficult as this.
I love this song. It's sweet it's funny. It's about that all American pioneer/rodeo spirit. It's about a belly full of stims and a 4 hour deadline that's 8 hours and two states away. It's about adult nappies and the feel of skin on leather after 1600 miles in the same bucket seat.

Not everyone is called to drive the big rigs, but those that are, are owed a debt of gratitude.

'Ahh Men' by Say Anything
'Sea Men.' HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AH AHA HA AHA A. Or not. Matt asked me what I thought this song was about. I said it sounded like he was staring out of the tour bus window and 'feeling a bit religious.' Matt looked at me with scorn, he didn't like the glib simplicity of my reply. He wanted something more thought out. True story.
Let me ask you something... Is it easier to be closer to god if we don't allow our clothes to get in the way? Perhaps it is. Perhaps combined with Nelly this is the central message of global warming.

'Too Much' by Sufjan Stevens
I have already spent too much time writing up this weeks offering. I was supposed to go swimming hours ago. I should be showering off right now, I should be facing that particularly English issue of if it's OK or not to remove ones swimming trunks in the presence of strangers. Instead I am still here, still typing. Nude

'Sort of Like Being Pumped' By Bomb the Music Industry
I'm gonna give you the naked truth on this one. I don't think that the title of this song is an allegory to sex. It seems to be about being inside a train. Which is kind of like being water inside a pump. i think that's the connection. If you don't believe me here are the lyrics.  Goodnight, 

40: The Sexual Bread Project (featuring special guest Dann Casswell}

Heeeeyyy! I'm drinking kworfee here! What's that, bub? Yeah, I got yer latest ETP right here, pal!

Just press

 PLAY


So Dann got fired. It was bound to happen sooner or later, and at least it wasn't for sexual misconduct with the cleaner. So I had to do this show by myself. Luckily, I had on hand a special guest I could rope in for co-presenting duties. Unfortunately, it was Dann.

'Duel of the Iron Mic' by The Gza and the Wu Tang Clan
Seriously, he pronounces his name 'the jizzer'? That boy has issues.

'Shock and Awe' and 'I'm Losing Weight for You' by You Me and Everyone We Know
I've never seen the film. Dann keeps making jokes about it and I never get them. I feel so alone.

i'm bored now so this is all you're getting. if you want write ups from someone who doesnt have ADHD  you better re-hire Dann.

coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee,

'Comfort Eagle' by Cake
coffee Eagle,

'Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want' performed by The Deftones originally by The Smiths 
coffee,  is what I want.


'Start Wearing Purple' by Gogol Bordello
coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee,

'Even When I'm Winning, I Feel Bad' by Bomb The Music Industry!
coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee,

'Virginia Moon' by Nora Jones and Dave Grohl
coffee,  coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, (they totally did it) coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee,



'Icicle' by Tori Amos
coffee,  coffee, Filth, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, hot hot filthy hot coffee.
 

Bad is good baby, down with government!

Matt has Left the building.

Goodnight!

39: Pride and Prostate Manipulation for Pleasure (The Unholy Alliance Special)

Matt turned up at the studio as usual with his box of CD's and a vaguely sarcastic expression on his face. Matt likes to complain about the government, (but he is in no position to run for office.)  I was ignoring him whilst busily imagining a world where Lassie is played by two midgets in a pantomime dog.  That's when it hit me.: The two of us are like fire and ice and yet most of the time we get on pretty well. It works for us... so why not the whole programme. With this in mind we set about searching the universe for other unlikely/ungodly collaborations. you can listen to the results of our research by pressing...

PLAY

Really we should have looked at how badly the coalition is doing and known better. Now that I think about it, that might have been what Matt was bitching about.

Enough Jibber Jabber on with the

TRACK LISTINGS


'Take Me Home' by Phil Collins and Bone Thugz n' Harmony
The main problem with this episode becomes obvious as soon as this starts playing. Most of these tracks are major balls.  At least 50% of the show is music, which means both Matt and I are going to have to be 50% less balls in our segments, in order to prevent ourselves from getting fired. a task we're sadly not up to.


'Where The Wild Roses Grow' by Nick Cave and Kyle Minogue
 Kyle Minogue.  Lust goblin of the parched and arid Outback. Picture her now being harassed by the ghost of Steve Irwin... Careful Steve... Go for the hair!!

Should you encounter Kyle in the wild, the important thing is to not look in her eyes... Don't let her get into your head, be aware that she can spin around at great speed, and that here bite has the force of a full speed locomotion.


'Cruising Together' Gwyneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis
Cruising, or kerb crawling as it is otherwise known is a popular way for celebrities to spice up their relationships. And a useful source of ghetto income.

'Go Ask Shakespeare' sung by  Ruffus Wainright written by Burt Bacherach produced by Dr Dre 
Man this track was dull... and typical of Ruffus's typically dull body of dull ass work. It doesn't help that it takes a full month to get going and that when it does it's difficult to tell that it has. 1 star. even though I picked it. Respect to Dre... who may or may not have been involved.

'The Justified Ancients of Moo Moo' by The KLF Featuring Tammy Winnette
Dr Dre certainly had F all to do with this track by the KLF. Originally called Ken Livingstone's Fish, the KLF brand of self-indulgent electro pop once offered a less camp alternative to the petshop boys. Those days are gone now as we have the Postal Service to fill that role. Still they were quite cool as people. 


'Ebony and Ivory' by Paul Mcartney and Stevie Wonder 
This is all I have to say about this.



'The Heart Gently Weeps' Wu Tang Clan feat. Dhani Harrison, Erykah Badu, John Frusciante
This track was the best one on the whole show and listening to it back it's not even that good. We don't even play the whole thing. What the hell is wrong with us. It really is only a matter of time before we get fired.



'Little Drummer Boy' Sung by David Bowie and Bing Crosby
'shit sandwich'


Merry Christmas everybody!

38: Whistling Dixie

Right now on a dark matter planet bouncing around in the Alpha-Centaurian star system a pair of young lovers are lying together in the back of a flat bed truck looking up at the night sky. The boy, who knows a little bit about astronomy, points to one of their brightest stars.  He tells his girl about that little yellow sun, he tells her that that despite it's small size, it meagre gravity clings to a number of planets and that one of those planets is not to hot and not too cold and that maybe, just maybe, there's a strange man with a charity moustache living on that planet and writing the story of their love on the internet.

The two of them look at our sun in silence... Then the boy begins to whistle while the girl accompanies him on the Ukulele, for on the goldilocks planet of Alpha Centauri, this is how baby's are made.


Join us now in praising the space-baby by clicking on the link provided...

PLAY


TRACK LISTINGS

'Me and Julio Down by The School Yard' performed by Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies, originally by Paul Simon
 It is well known that the Space Baby loves Whistlin' Whittlin' and Whishin'. He hates Fistin' Fishin' Fission. Which is understandable really.

'Centerfold' by the J. Geils Band
It's a little known fact that Matt Setback was raised by whales. Having been abandoned at sea by irresponsible pirates, these majestic kings of the sea took pity on him and allowed him to suckle their nourishing blubbery milk. Matt grew stronger as the years went by, but always wondered why he was smaller and less aerodynamic than the other kids. Then he came across a copy of playboy took one look at the centrefold and realised there had been some kind of a mix up.


'Mary Melody' by the Mad Caddies
Neither Matt nor myself can whistle. We are in awe of those that can. I am also impressed by people that can pick up girls in bars, do proper handbrake turns and, of course, park their cars in really tight spaces.

'Coming Home,  Left my Broken Heart in Carolina' by Weezer
 (Yes this song really is by Weezer)


'Sitting on the Dock of the Bay' Performed by Pearl Jam, originally by Otis Reading
Otis Reading originally planned to write lyrics for the whistling section of this song, but sadly he died in a plane crash before he got the chance. I like to imagine that perhaps, he got the inspiration he was looking for just moments before his plane went down. I like to imagine that they were scribbled on a napkin that once the explosions were over eventually floated down to earth and became the inspiration for this song.


'Young Folks' by Peter, Byorn and John
I like this version of this song, but sadly it doesn't have any whistling in it. Matt seems convinced that this song, 'was only written so that it could be on an advert' I think that in his thick skinned baleen cynicism he has seriously missed out on the basic truth of artistic endeavour.  No one thinks that way Matt. People make music they love. Some tracks end up on adverts. This is the way of things.


 'My Girlfriends Dead' by the Vandals
The Vandals were an East Germanic tribe that entered the late Roman Empire during the 5th century, perhaps best known for their sack of Rome in 455. Although they were not notably more destructive than other invaders of ancient times, Renaissance and Early Modern writers who idealized Rome tended to blame the Vandals for its destruction. This led to the coinage of "vandalism", meaning senseless destruction, particularly the defacing of artworks that were completed with great effort.


'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life' by Monty Python
Philosophical pessimism is the similar but not identical idea that life has a negative value, or that this world is as bad as it could possibly be.  Pessimism is not a disposition as the term commonly connotes. Instead, it is a cogent philosophy that directly challenges the notion of progress and what may be considered the faith-based claims of optimism. Still, mustn't grumble.



Goodnight!

37: Amature Hour

What if for just one year, soap operas stopped presenting Christmas as some kind of hellish festival of domestic violence and inter-familiar aggression? what if they decided to do Christmas like the movies do it? Why not have a character we are all rooting for face insurmountable odds and overcome them, armed with nothing but the miracle of human kindness?


Could not a child make a wish? Could that wish not come true..? Could I please be that child?


If I was in charge of Eastenders, all the dogs would talk and every twenty minutes the humans would burst into song. 

Sadly I'm not in charge of Eastenders... 


Instead I chose to waste my life by working for a living and co-hosting (for free)  a radio show that precludes me from ever getting a proper job in broadcasting. If you want to listen to this latest career mistake then click... 

Here

TRACK LISTINGS

'Rent a Cop' By Ben Folds
At the age of 26, I defeated 10'000 applicants to get myself an interview for a trainee writer position for BBC Teens. If I had got that job I would have moved to London, would have excelled as a writer and would probably have my own series by now. Sadly I got crazy nervous and badly screwed up the interview. Oddly enough I still believed I had done pretty well all things considered and that it was just a matter of time before my obvious talent was discovered.



'Miles Davis and the Cool' by Gas Light Anthem
A little later on I got another interview for a job as a development researcher for television drama. Had I got that job I would have spent all day reading scripts, assessing them for feasibility and artistic merit. I would be an expert in commissioning television drama by now and would have a healthy bank balance and a back-catalogue of my own commissioned work to boot.
I stupidly told the interview panel I had 'no idea about broadcasting guidelines, but learn things really really fast'. They gave the job to a guy with one arm. I couldn't really argue with that.



'Lullaby (Divorce Song)' by Steven Lynch 
By now I actually do have a back catalogue, but mostly it's of half formed ideas on scraps of note paper, and word documents with weird names that I don't really remember writing. That and a pile of failed application forms and cover letters to agents, production companies and magazines that either never got back to me or replied in the negative. I'm still not totally sure what I'm doing wrong.



'Christina, She Don't Know That  I Exist' by Street Light Manifesto
I have had some mild success... I've had a couple of stories read on Radio 4... I've written a few scripts. One of them got through to the second round of the writers room. That was a bitter sweet email of feedback...  I haven't written another script since I got that letter. I'm not really sure why.


'C.R.E.A.M (Cash Rules Everything Around Me)' by The Wu Tang Clan
I spend a lot of my time working to get money. I spend a lot of my money travelling to get to work. It's a crazy situation but there just doesn't seem to be any way out of it. Just one of those things I guess. Still at least I have a Job.


'Justified Black Eye' by No Use For a Name
Every year I set myself goals, then I blink and it's over and I'm another year older and I still haven't written that novel. I'm 31 now. I cried a lot around my birthday. I cried over movies, I cried over songs in the car... I cried about everything.


'Old School' by  DangerDoom
So maybe I'm not the genius I thought I was when I was at Uni. Maybe I'm one of those failed ass writers I used to laugh and point at. 'I'll never be like you' I said... 'I'm too fucking talented, too full of ideas'. Perhaps it would be closer to the truth to say I am too lazy and too easily distracted to make it in the real world. I guess the important this is not to be bitter about the whole thing.


Today's Empires, Tomorrow's Ashes' by Propergandhi
There must be more of me out there. A legion of also-rans with a draw full of scripts and a few short films bouncing around on their hard-drives and taking up space. There must be a billion stubble-faced 30 somethings bitching lyrical about their bum luck on some blog that nobody reads.
 Sometimes at night I can hear them all shuffling to refrigerator for a late night stack, getting slowly fatter and wondering where it all went wrong.
Maybe we should start some sort of club.
A support group maybe...
With a witty name. 
Maybe not.

This year, for Christmas I'm not writing any goals. This year I'm just asking for a miracle.

36: Hello I wuv you, wont you tell me your name....

We open this episode with some life/mine-craft advice... listen carefully because it might just change your life, both spiritually and sexually.

If you have an hour or so to waste (either now or in the future) you can right click on the word HERE below, and then 'Save-As' to your hard drive then you can treat this program like any other pod-cast.

Here

Or you can left click on it and it will stream in the background while you mindlessly search the internet for porn.

Ask yourself...

what is it you're really looking for?

TRACK LISTINGS

'Under-tow' by War Paint
My wife. She hates war. She loves painting. She claims to love this band. So we are playing this for her.

The under-tow is a hidden current, an invisible force that pulls swimmers from the shallow world of the beach into the cold and frightening depths of the ocean. Sometimes known as the Under-toad, it's amphibious force can sometime be felt metaphorically in your life. Choose to kick against it. or let it pull you out to sea. The choice is yours.

'Rookie' by Boy Sets Fire
Is there an innate sense of justice in the world? Some exterior power that seeks to redress the balance when things go wrong? I'm talking about a universal Ethic existing beyond the judgement and understanding of the individual. perhaps it is a manifestation of some kind of Meta-Conciousness, a collective unconscious field of sentient energy that is both created by and manipulates our behaviour on a day to day basis... What ever you think about it. I've got my t-shirt back. (Men's T-Shirt Blue)

'Not the Same' by Ben Folds
To anyone who hasn't done it yet I advise you to look deep inside yourself and find God. I mean this in a strictly non-denominational way. It doesn't even have to be mono-theistic. Feel free to be poly theistic. Bow down to the Genius Loci if the mood takes you. but find something to believe in what ever you do...  even if it's just for the weekend.

'Stay to Long' By Plan B
Northern Soul. Some people view religion as some kind of celestial pension... or insurance policy. Maybe they are right but... It doest really ring true with me.
The other day my car broke down and we ended up sat in this hotel just off the M25. There was this religious conference going on in one of the convention rooms. A woman outside selling leaflets and other merchandise told me that while she had a personal relationship with a higher power, she didn't go to church. I left her standing there alone. It was my turn to use the 20 minutes of free broadband. I used it to change my Facebook status to 'My car is broken down- Pray for me.'
About two hours later the AA managed to fix it.


'Generator above Second Floor' by Freelance Whales
Imagine you are standing on a sea of letters, shifting like water from where you are standing all the way out to the horizon. You step forward and pick up a hand-full.  Each address written in the same scrawling hand. Your name and Address, your middle name replaced with "The Arsehole". Your eye is drawn to the stamps; every one a silhouette of your face, postmarked from all over the world. a shadow falls across the sun making you look up. Towering above you is a tidal wave of hatemail. It is about to break. As the weight comes down, you reach out and touch faith.


'Young, Dumb and Stung' by Say Anything
How can we learn to come to terms with mortality if we are never able to experience even a moments worth of Death. Hard as I try I cannot even imagine it. I know a couple of people who claim yo have peeked thought the door. Humans whose hearts have stopped and then been started again by the powers of modern Medicine. When I asked them what it was like they told me that it was difficult to explain.
How can the world end today when it's already tomorrow in Australia?

'Steel Beast Defeated' by Fu Manchu
I was trying to think of something to put in this 'Track Description' when the phone rang. I didn't recognise the number.  She wanted to book a table for four. I told her that this wasn't a restaurant, this was my house. She apologised.

I guess everybody gets things wrong sometimes.

'Holiday' by The Get Up Kids
Holiday. Holy Day. Every day is Holy. Even those you choose to spend in bed.


Good Night.

35: The Self Indulgent Special

When you start listening to this episode you will realise why I might have waited a while before unleasing it upon our small but devoted fan base.... (Glen)

This was a failed experiment in radio broadcasting, possibly a subconscious attempt to get taken off the air. My wife calls it "a cry for help."   Bad for the eyesight good for the colon: it is the Self Indulgent Special which you can listen to...

here

I apologise for the lack of quality in this weeks write up... but I have a lot of things I'm meant to be doing so I'm just going to bash this one out as quickly as possible.

Track Listings

"I Touch Myself" Performed by Rolf Harris (originally by Divynals)
I'm sorry... I'm so so sorry.
Someone told me that their mum was listining to the radio when this came on.
When bad things happen to be from now on I will know it was becuase I played this recording of a much loved Australian children's entertainer tickling his old fella.  And not because I once called the police on a bunch of teenager who were holding an orgy in a railway tunnel.

"Waggy" By Blink 182
The number 182  referes to the the average number of strokes required to become mechanically aroused without the use of any other stimulous. This was tested in 1982 in an isolation tank in California with a research pool of seven hundred body-builders and one nineteen year old nurse.

"Long View" by Greenday
Once when I was a thirteen I went to the dentist to have filling replaced, she was wearing a blue shirt. At one point she had to put her knee up on the chair to get a better angle to drill on my tooth. Because of the way the cloth folded I got clean line of sight between the buttons into the valley of her cleavage. Ever since then the sound of a dentist's drill still wakes me up at night.

"Why Bother" by Weezer
Girl Pirates on the high seas of the Caribbean would sometimes expose their breasts in the midst of battle. It is said that the sea air and active lifestyle made them so exquisite as to render any full blooded male enamoured to the point of paralysis by their warm and succulent proximity. one by one the armys of the world succumbed and died with with a smile on their face and rapiers blade hilt deep in their flesh. So it was that the Caribbean became a world power it is to day.

"Wow I Can Get Sexual Too" by Say Anything.
A Summer's day... a softly vibrating vehicle. Gear-stick throbbing in your hand. Some girl in a Fiat Punto with a businesslike haircut avoiding your eye contact.  She is four feet and two sheets of glass away but you can feel the chemistry. Then the lights change and you never see her again. 

"Paulina" by No Doubt
Gwen Stefani. Baywatch.  Loaded Magazine.  The naked swimming scene in "Walkabout". Any French film on Channel Four.   Enormous Boobs
 
"Fourteen" by The Vandals
 When I was fourteen the internet didn't really exist as we know it today. There was no streaming video only grainy one minute clips that could not be previewed and often took over an hour download. Deep in the the dead of night even still images could take a full minutes to slowly resolve in-front of my eager adolescent eyes. Quite frankly it was impractical, also the dial up modems made a lot of noise and tended to give me away.



"Leave it Alone" by No FX
Sometimes I think about what it will be like to be in an old people's home. I like to think that I'll still have my hair and as long as I can stay thin I reckon I'll still be quite a good looking for an octogenarian. I reckon if I live pretty cleanly then I can outlive the majority of my sexual competition and it will be a full on hump-fest!!


"The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston
 Learning to love yourself, is the greatest love of all. The French have several words for love. If this had been true of English this song might have made a lot more sense.

Goodnight everyone.

;)

34: The banana in your Tail Pipe Special

In the car on the way to the studio I said to Matt that I had not realised the metaphorical significance of the Banana in the Tail Pipe joke in the Beverly Hils Cop film. (much loved but now forgotten classic of the 1980s childhood) and he admitted to me that it was indeed a revelation to him.  So we started the show with it.

A show you can listen to
  
Here
We do actually have another theme... or at least I do, but more about that in the...

Track listings

'Dann's Old Friend Dave is a Tool/ Don't let her pull you down' by A New Found Glory 
I have a few friends call Dave. None of them are "tools". I especially like Big Dave who got drunk at my wedding, threw up a lot and then passed out in the long grass. Also Dave the Librarian who writes stories about Joan of Arc and takes girls to Gay Bars when they are feeling down. Finally there is Dave the Doctor, he was kind of a tool when we were teens I guess but he has a beard now which has to count for something.

'Brand New Colony' The Postal Service
I think we have played this before so I am just going to seek out what wrote last time and insert it here as a quote. I sure it will be pure gold... I'm wrong we haven't. This is embarrassing. Um... does anyone want any more potato chips? Hey err... why don't we play twister?

'She Found You' by Sam I Am.
When I went to school I had a friend called Sam. We were good buddies for years. Towards the end of my time at that school I started getting bullied pretty bad and Sam never stood up for me.  Infact he kind of ditched me and joined in with the bullies. This ones for you traitor, I will never forgive you.

'Dime' by Cake
Cake. Possible the best and most underrated band in history. There they are pumping classic tracks in to obscurity while you the public are dishing out your hard earned credit to fill the local landfill with a billion plastic renditions of 'hit me baby one more time' be ashamed of yourselves you sick ass horny bastards.

'Alive with the Glory of Love' Say Anything
During the build up to this song I had no idea how good this was going to be. I think it may now be my current favourite song. After the one about the monkey riding the pig of course... and the theme tune to Happy Days...  Still it's up there though, definitely top ten.

"Blue Picasso" Peter, Bjorn and John
 Matt's thoughts on this track, take the form of a jingle advertising the community radio station that is fool enough to broadcast us every Friday Night at 8pm. 93.2 


'Babylon' by Skindred
I don't know about you, but I've been babbling on all night... 


'Hat and Feet' by Fountains of Wayne
I am at work right now. I've been here since 8am. I'm not going to leave the building till midnight. I know exactly how this dude feels.

Goodnight.

33 It's My Bris and I'll cry if i want to.

The week that this episodes aired a festival was thrown in our home town (Bristol UK) called BrisFest.
This is what a Bris is. I hope that makes things horrifically clear.

Anyway you can listen to this long awaited episode...


HERE

TRACK LISTINGS
'Beat it' by Pomplamoose (originally by Michael Jackson)
In the immortal words of Me first and the Gimme Gimmes, this next song's a cover... I am playing you-tube sensation, Pomplamoose for the same reason I play any track on this show: I quite fancy the lead singer. Good eyes... nice hair... talented.

'Chips Ahoy' by the Holdsteady
 One of the few bands that Matt and I agree on as being pretty awesome.  In the Video to this track the lead singer is like a cross between Elvis Costello and Will Farrell in Anchorman. You have to admit that's pretty hot by anyone's standards.
Did you realise that Anchorman is essentially a remake of "The China Syndrome" with Jane Fonda? Did you realise that they totally took jokes from/paid tribute to the awesome "Drop the Dead Donkey?" neither did I until I saw it with my own eyes.


'Peanuts' by Tindersticks 
 Not the cartoon I don't think but the Nut... which apparently isn't a true nut or something? I think it might be a seed or a bean or something. I have no idea really. They grow underground apparently. Like Goths, Orks and Plump Helmet.


'Cosmopolitan Blood Loss' by Glassjaw
"I feel cold Johnny... So cold"
"Just hold on, your gonna be fine, the medic is on the way and he's gonna fix you up real good I promise"
"Read to me Johnny... read to me from the list of 100 sex tips I need to know... please Jonny... I don't... I don't think I got long left to live."


DANN'S SIXTH FORM SONG
'Girl Like You' Edwynn Collins 
I don't know about you but I've never met a girl like this before.  I'm not sure I want to either though.
I went to school with a lot of girls. When I play this song I want them to know that this one is dedicated to all of them; individually and collectively and especially to those that let me touch their passionate areas.


'Get Better' Dan Le Sack vs Scroobius Pip
Hey! Pip and Sack, yeah I'm talking to you... While it was a good idea to 'Imagine' the song you describe you have failed to actually write it. I don't need your creepy-priest-like advice; Ice T told me how to get out of the Ghetto. I have another question! Better at what Scroobius? Animal Communication? Car Jacking? Knife Fighting? Did I say Animal Communication?
In the songs defence... My wife likes this track, and she is much smarter than I am.


'Nighty Night' by Jenny Owens Young 
This should be the last track we play as by the time it's finished you should all be asleep. Then I will snap my fingers and you will all wake up naked at an orgy in Matts "Entertainment Room" 'Welcome to the party' I will say, and then the real fun will begin.


'Admit It' by Say Anything
I guess this is the first time we play anything by Say Anything, but trust me we will be playing a lot of this as Matt gets lazier and lazier in his quest for new music.

I've had enough of this, I'm going to the bidet. 

32: The Blackholes of Texus

What do you want to talk about. I want to talk about the Large Haydron Collider. Sadly neither of us is professor Brian Cox. Unless, like, through some weird quirk of fate Brian Cox is reading this. In which case... Hello Brian,  welcome to the Erotic Toast Project...  this must be pretty weird for you. Thanks for tuning in.

You can listen to this episode

Here
 
I'm not going to talk about the large Haydron Collider... Apparently I'm just going to go off on a massive rant about post-modernism that ultimately does little but expand upon the lyrics to Earth Song by the late Michael Jackson.

TRACK LISTINGS


'I Want So Hard' by The Eagles of Deathmetal
One of the well publicised but totally unattempted problems of post modernity is Drama school culture.  The view that we have been brainwashed into believing that Wanting and Working are synonymous that if we want it hard enough we can have it. I don't think that people actually think this. I think we all work really hard.  There is just a lot of people who want to be entertainment superstars.

'It Don't Move Me' by Peter,  Bjorn and John.
The reason is this... we used to have progress we could believe in. We did things for the greater good, to work towards 'an end to war/poverty/disease'. We believed that these were both achievable and desirable goals and people were happy to be part of that. We made predictions of what was to come like Star Trek and all those adverts for the future with the assured sounding Mid-Western narrators that told us about flying cars and push button homes. Most of us didn't need or want to be on telly then... we were happy to be a small but vital cog in the benevolent machine of progress. Sadly we lost faith in this machine.


'Palo Alto' by Radiohead
Here's part of the reason why: progress was too successful for it's own good. Like a particle gaining mass as it approaches the speed of light, as we got closer and closer to achieving the goals we set ourselves, we found that our partial success had caused yet more complex and dangerous problems. Victory over disease leads to massive global overpopulation, progress of science leads to nuclear weapons, the war on poverty and 'inconvenience' leads to horrifying environmental consequences...

Casimir Pulaski Day by Sufjan Stevens
Here's another reason why: In order for us to make 'Progress' we had to abandon what we had before, which was knowledge passed down from the past. Where we had faith in our elders, our traditions and ultimately an immortal god that had been there since the very beginning, in its place we had empirical scientific analysis in all areas of human life and faith in new knowledge and a brighter future. People miss the things they have had to give up along the way, the morality, authority and sense of community. They feel that they are missing something from there lives... disrespecting those that went before. Dancing on their grandparent graves if you will.


'Pantera Fans in Love' by Nerf Herder
 As faith in the great machine of progress collapses, people are not only not content that they are living worthwhile lives just by taking part, but actively feel bad about taking part at all. In to the world comes the creeping feeling that by working for, or investing in, big oil or some other massively corporate entity you are similar to a pre-second world war German, passively collaborating in some horrific and evil crime against nature.

DANN'S SIXTH FORM SONG
'1979' By Smashing Pumpkins
Some rage against the system that pays either their wages or their dole cheque. They fight for any cause that will have them,  Some give up on the whole thing, disaffected they waste their lives on recreational drug use, world of war craft and DJ hero.  The rich seek validation in expensive and dangerous hobbies, mountain climbing and extreme sports. They conquer peaks and put the pictures on their bedroom walls.

'When Life Gives You Lemons' by Atmosphere
What they all have in common is that they are now defining themselves by what they do in their free time. People no longer wish to define themselves though the work that they do. They want to feel as separate from it as possible. They look for things to do in their free time that will give them a long missing sense of achievement.


'Ready for Anything' by Patrick Alexander
Everyone likes to sing and dance in one form or another, it's easy and it's free.  I think where I am going with this, the ultimate truth I am going for...  is that I want to be Ghengis Kahn. I am interested in meeting anyone that will at least pretend that I am Ghengis Kahn and I will pay good money for them to do so.

Ghengis Kahn  was the biggest super star of them all...

31: The City of Brotherly Love.

This episode features the irascible Chris... (the wiggler)

Since I didn't actually get to choose any of the music, rather than discuss the tracks as normal, I am just going to give you top ten (8) list of top ten lists. I hope you understand.

(as always you can listen to the show here)

HERE


TRACK LISTINGS


'Down this Road' by Zero Down
Top ten awkward things to read on a crowded train...

10. Coping with Rabies-a Practical Guide
9. The Erotic Adventures of Ivor the Engine.
8.The Art of Non-Consensual Frottage.
7. The Joy of Non-Consensual Frottage.
6. Violent Non-Consensual Frottage for Dummies.
5. Hot Hot Frottage on the Orient Express.
4. How to Meet Girls on the Train and then Bone Them and Dump Them
3. Thomas the Tank Engine does Dallas
2. Forest Gump (The Novel.)
1. The Da Vinci Code.



'Lost in Hollywood' by System of a Down
Top ten peices of mud to sling at a political opponent.
10.You have misfiled you accounts for the previous fiscal year.
9. You take bribes
8. You have sex with hookers
7. You have sex with hookers... as bribes.
6. You have sex with coked up Nazi midget hookers.
5. You feed their breast milk to our kids...
4. You want to build a duckpond
3. You are your own evil twin and you killed the good twin that everybody previously loved.
2. Your mum is fat and cheap.
1. U. G. L. Y. you aint got no alibi you ugly!


Laugh Learn' by Sekura Drops (From the album Painted legs on a Snake.)
Top thing things not to get a tattoo of...
10. A tattoo artist doing a tattoo of a tattoo artist of a tattoo artist doing a tattoo of a...
9. A tattoo of a dog doing a dog doing a dog doing a...
8.TATU
7. One of those belly button cat's bum things that people get
6. Any x factor contestant living or dead.
5. Five Boy-scouts nude from the waist down (with woggles and neckerchiefs possibly doing the scout salute)
4. Same as 5 but with Hitler Youth instead
3. Forest Gump (The Novel)
2. A 'to do' list of people you work with with a large number of them crossed out.
1. Prison Blueprints.


!!!DANN'S SIXTH FORM SONG!!!
'Say it Aint So' by Weezer

Top ten things not to do before you die
10. Sleep with a close relative
9. Read The Da Vinci Code/ Forest Gump (The Novel)
8. Get a tattoo of anything from the last list
7. Kill a man in Reno... just to watch him die.
6. Taxidermy
5. Build your own twisted-ass rape bot
4. Memorise 'Tango and Cash' (the movie)
3. Win at Dwarf Fortress
2. Watch all of Prison Break
1. Hold the no.1 score on any browser based flash game.


'Epic Fail' by The 80's Matchbox Bee Line Disaster
Stupid exclusive US only Content.
jerks.


'Dig for Fire' by The Pixies
Top ten mythical beasts.

10. The Manitcore
9. Henry Rollins
8. Pea Tear Griffin
7. People with one big foot that they use as a sunshade
6. The Dogheads
5. Fernando Torres
4. The Crockadoodle Piggy
3. Matt Setback
2. Cannibalistic Nazi sex Midgets
1. Johnny Turntables


'Shame in your Game' by The Beastie Boys
Top Ten highest-scoring, possible boggle words.(oddly enough this is almost idential to the top ten words least used in Hip Hop/Rap-Metal)

10. Aeronomist
9. Clarinettist
8. Deadenings
7. Retinalites
6. Retransmitted
5. Romanticall
4. Saginating
3. Tsigane
2. Tantaliser
1. Testicles


'I Can See Clearly Now' by Snuff (originally by Johnny Nash)
Top ten words that remind me of sausages
10. Corsage
9. Sauce
8. Tauper
6. Sharp-edges
5. Forage
4. Dachshund
3. Bromance
2. Sizzling
1. Forest Gump (The Novel)



'Theme from Midnight Cowboy' by Faith No More, Wait... NO!
'I Started a Joke' by Faith No More
Top ten numbers from 1 to 10


10. Nine
9. Seven
8. Two
7. One
6. Four
5. Three
4. Five
3. Six
2. Eight
1. Seven of Nine

30: BOOM BOOM BOOM (I want you in my room)

This Episode involves a short excerpt from our unpublished BBC 4 Documentary on the History of Jazz. You can attempt to enjoy our new direction...

HERE

The whole thing was a bit of a disaster and half of it is missing. You might as well watch This instead.

Track Listings (write ups by Matt Setback)

'Straight No Chaser' by Thelonious Monk

Hear exciting and possibly libellous facts about Mr T Monk!

'Prisencoli Nensianciusol' by Adriano Celentano  
Wow, we spelt this guy's name so wrong. Like, so wrong. Have you seen Blackadder's Christmas Carol? At one point Baldrick writes 'Christmas' and gets every letter wrong. That's pretty much how wrong we were. Also, his name is in black. I can't figure out to how change it. Um. (Dann: I have changed it)

'Song of a Gun' by Nirvana
Irrefutable proof that more than two chords is just wasteful!

 
'Ruthy Lingle' by 16 Horse Power

Varmit/Varmint HUMBOLT SQUID! Humbolt Squid
Mmmm. Links...  Dann's far better at understanding these links than me. You should check out that Alex Riley stuff though, he's pretty good. Like Mark Thomas crossed with Louie Theroux. Though I am possibly overselling it now. (Dann: I have added a link...)

'Hey Johnny Park' by Foo Fighters

Remember when Foo Fighters were good? It was so long ago now. I'm sure they were, I'm sure of it. I just... can't remember that far back. Sigh. Yeah, no humour from me, just elitist bitching. That's how I roll.

...

The second half of this episode was somehow lost... We are working on getting it back. 

Give me some time.

Missing songs include...

DANN'S SIXTH FORM SONG!
Girl from Mars, by Ash

Ah, you'll have heard it before anyway. If not, go Spotify up some Ash, you young whippersnapper.

'Nighty Night' by Jenny Owen Young

I think this was good. Shame it's been lost in the bowels of some unsayable media giant's cavernous computer systems. (Dann: I'm actually going to put a link to something else here... something I wanted to play but couldn't for obvious, 'I didn't have the clean version' reasons.)

and another one from Matt I guess.
I guess. Cheers.

AND THAT'S IT!