43: The Quantum Conundrum

I remember the first time I saw the snow. It was 1989 and I was nine years old. My parents had left me alone in the house because they wanted to go to swingers party and figured I'd just get in the way.
I got bored of the television around 2am and wandered outside into the street. Despite the sound of distant sirens, I remember being filled up by a sense of calm. In the pale glow of the street-light even the concrete seemed soft. Blanketed in sheets of white, the perennial piles of rotting garbage looking somehow clean, perhaps even... forgiven.
For just one night. My hellish life in the city lost its cynical edge. 

By morning the snow had turned to a rancid brown sludge and a few doors down there was a gap with a cherry red smear around the edges. It turned out that, that was where a gang of kids had beat a hobo half to death. They probably would have killed him if my parents hadn't interrupted them.

I learned that night that nothing gets corrupted faster or more thoroughly than virgin snow on the blood red streets of the city. Not even you.

In order to listen to this weeks thrilling episode of the ETP, press...

PLAY


Track Listings

'Denise' by Fountains of Wayne
Some people might describe an unpaid weekly podcast/blog combo as little more than a pointless vanity project. Looking at my/our listening figures it is difficult for me/us to argue against them. In my/our defence I would like to point out that if I/we can make just one person think that I/we am/are cooler than I/we really am/are, then I think that I/we can chalk that one down as a win for vanity. The truth is that by getting my/our shit together and turning up on a semi-weekly basis I/we have proved that I/we am/are better than you pigs.


'Tommy C' by Dan Le Sac and Scroobius Pip
I'm/We're really sorry I/we just called you all pigs. You are not pigs. A lot of you are sexy/independent women. Some of you are hairless and capable men. By making the choice to both tune in and download the programme, you have transcended the porcine aspects of your character and joined the ranks of the enlightened. Come, join hands with me/us and let us all ride together on this new and exciting plane of existence. Together/alone, brethren,  I/we shall complain loudly about how Dan Le Sac and Scroobius Pip, although highly capable, will never quite match the potential they displayed in that 'Thou shalt always kill' video on Youtube.


'Oh My God' By Ida Maria
What the hell is it that you people want from me/us? Why don't you go and record your own stupid show and leave me/us alone? Sometimes I/we think about buying a gun and moving to the middle of a national park. I/we want to go a live the life of a bear. I/we want to stride through the open countryside with my/our cubs in tow. I/we want nothing more than enough protein to get through the harsh Yellowstone winter.  I/we want to have my/our image captured by a photographer from National Geographic as I/we stand proud and naked upon a prominence above a crystal blue lake.

See below for detail

'Rock for Sustainable Capitalism' Propagandhi
I/we guess our/my desire to be photographed, reveals the fact that I/we really do need the love and adulation of my/our fellow man/lady. I/we would be lost without the proximity and praise of you the warm-bodied listener. Perhaps in the future I/we will have an army of robotic fans to mob and molest me/us in the street. Until that time comes I/we have you. Thank-you for tuning in. I/we really mean that. Without you the show would be nothing.

'Long Time' by Cake
 'Fame is fleeting', said Oscar Wild, 'but obscurity is forever'
'Forever is a mighty long time', said Prince, desperately hoping that no-one would notice he was taking himself far too seriously.

You like Prince don't you. You're willing to forgive his occasional forays into nobbishness and even his last three albums if it gives you the chance to bask in the light of his reflected purple glory. You really are a massive idiot. Only you're best friend would tell you... but you are.

'Looking for my Leopard' by Seven Seconds of Love 
When I/we say 'you'... I/we don't mean you. How could I/we possibly mean you. I/we don't even know you. Probably. You could be Brian Cox for all I/we know. You could be Justin Lee Collins. You could be a contender for gods sake. 
Just who do I/we mean when I/we say you then?
Probably me/us. That's who I/we are really talking about here. At heart I/we am/are a/all Fanboy/Fanboys. Surely there is nothing wrong with having heroes. Surely that deserves to be forgiven, perhaps even encouraged.

'Breaking the Girl' by The Red Hot Chilly Peppers

See... look... Erotic Toast... get it!

Flea plays the flute on this track. That doesn't sit well in your mind with your image of Flea, the muscular Bass player with the fixed speed-head grin and outlandish tatoos. When you think of the flute you imagine polished public school girls pursing their lips. You imagine Ron Burgundy popping his head under the toilet door. This new contradiction introduces you/us to a new and interesting quatum state of mind where flea can exist on both Bass Guitar and the Flute at the same time. I/we are betting that this is more than your monkey brain can handle. Unless of course you/we are professor Brian Cox.

'Thinking about You' by Radiohead
Damn you/us Brian Cox, Damn you/us to hell.  I/we are going to the bathroom. I/we are typing this message. I/we are out eating a meal with my/our cousin because it's his/your birthday.
What time is it?
It's that time of day when my/our wife gets home and wonders why we/you haven't done any washing up yet. I/we will tell you/us what time it is/isn't. It's time for me/us/you to go.

Goodnight.

37: Amature Hour

What if for just one year, soap operas stopped presenting Christmas as some kind of hellish festival of domestic violence and inter-familiar aggression? what if they decided to do Christmas like the movies do it? Why not have a character we are all rooting for face insurmountable odds and overcome them, armed with nothing but the miracle of human kindness?


Could not a child make a wish? Could that wish not come true..? Could I please be that child?


If I was in charge of Eastenders, all the dogs would talk and every twenty minutes the humans would burst into song. 

Sadly I'm not in charge of Eastenders... 


Instead I chose to waste my life by working for a living and co-hosting (for free)  a radio show that precludes me from ever getting a proper job in broadcasting. If you want to listen to this latest career mistake then click... 

Here

TRACK LISTINGS

'Rent a Cop' By Ben Folds
At the age of 26, I defeated 10'000 applicants to get myself an interview for a trainee writer position for BBC Teens. If I had got that job I would have moved to London, would have excelled as a writer and would probably have my own series by now. Sadly I got crazy nervous and badly screwed up the interview. Oddly enough I still believed I had done pretty well all things considered and that it was just a matter of time before my obvious talent was discovered.



'Miles Davis and the Cool' by Gas Light Anthem
A little later on I got another interview for a job as a development researcher for television drama. Had I got that job I would have spent all day reading scripts, assessing them for feasibility and artistic merit. I would be an expert in commissioning television drama by now and would have a healthy bank balance and a back-catalogue of my own commissioned work to boot.
I stupidly told the interview panel I had 'no idea about broadcasting guidelines, but learn things really really fast'. They gave the job to a guy with one arm. I couldn't really argue with that.



'Lullaby (Divorce Song)' by Steven Lynch 
By now I actually do have a back catalogue, but mostly it's of half formed ideas on scraps of note paper, and word documents with weird names that I don't really remember writing. That and a pile of failed application forms and cover letters to agents, production companies and magazines that either never got back to me or replied in the negative. I'm still not totally sure what I'm doing wrong.



'Christina, She Don't Know That  I Exist' by Street Light Manifesto
I have had some mild success... I've had a couple of stories read on Radio 4... I've written a few scripts. One of them got through to the second round of the writers room. That was a bitter sweet email of feedback...  I haven't written another script since I got that letter. I'm not really sure why.


'C.R.E.A.M (Cash Rules Everything Around Me)' by The Wu Tang Clan
I spend a lot of my time working to get money. I spend a lot of my money travelling to get to work. It's a crazy situation but there just doesn't seem to be any way out of it. Just one of those things I guess. Still at least I have a Job.


'Justified Black Eye' by No Use For a Name
Every year I set myself goals, then I blink and it's over and I'm another year older and I still haven't written that novel. I'm 31 now. I cried a lot around my birthday. I cried over movies, I cried over songs in the car... I cried about everything.


'Old School' by  DangerDoom
So maybe I'm not the genius I thought I was when I was at Uni. Maybe I'm one of those failed ass writers I used to laugh and point at. 'I'll never be like you' I said... 'I'm too fucking talented, too full of ideas'. Perhaps it would be closer to the truth to say I am too lazy and too easily distracted to make it in the real world. I guess the important this is not to be bitter about the whole thing.


Today's Empires, Tomorrow's Ashes' by Propergandhi
There must be more of me out there. A legion of also-rans with a draw full of scripts and a few short films bouncing around on their hard-drives and taking up space. There must be a billion stubble-faced 30 somethings bitching lyrical about their bum luck on some blog that nobody reads.
 Sometimes at night I can hear them all shuffling to refrigerator for a late night stack, getting slowly fatter and wondering where it all went wrong.
Maybe we should start some sort of club.
A support group maybe...
With a witty name. 
Maybe not.

This year, for Christmas I'm not writing any goals. This year I'm just asking for a miracle.

6: Frankie said Relax. We listened.

To listened to our most 'Relaxed' Show yet... Click HERE

I heard a rumour once that the ear bones are the clitoris of the mind. If this is the case then let us play you something... Stimulating. Let us get that hammer, anvil and stirrup vibrating out a rhythmic pulse of pure orgasmic energy... Straight to the Brain!

Don't forget to email the show on DannandMatt@bcfm.org.uk

Track Listings

'Deep Blue Sea' by Grizzly Bear
What could be more erotic than a grizzly bear. Standing proud at 47feet in height, the modern Grizzly can smell a female in heat from 1000 miles away. That's not what this song is about. This song is about various family members drowning in the sea. despite this macabre subject matter it seems quite a happy little song.

'Drop Out' by Rocket From the Crypt
Pretty much everyone at my old school (not the one in the link) got well into Rocket From the Crypt except me. I think that this is probably because they all went off and watched a Rocket concert without me. Perhaps even to this day I am blinded by my own misguided jealousy, Perhaps songs about hanging onto ropes just don't do it for me. Who knows. The lead singer of Rocket from the Crypt is called 'Speedo' He doesn't support Man City.

'Jesus Land' by Ben Folds
This song reminds me primarily of wandering through a suburb of Melbourne when I went to visit my sister in Australia. It was much too hot for anyone to actually go outside, people drove from air-conditioned place to air-conditioned place in air-conditioned cars. There was a huge church and no people anywhere. All the houses looked the same and every third or fourth bush had a massive spider in it, like dinner plate size.

'Channel Zero' By Public Enemy
While I was well into my hip hop throughout the 90's and early 00's I never got into Public Enemy at all. I found their politics to be naive and predictable, not at all like the nuanced message of personal empowerment I would get from Ice T, KRS1 and Jru. In the end I kind of grew out of my hip hop phase, mostly I think because I wanted to spend time with girls and the older I got the more trouble I had excusing the rampant misogamy.

'Woozy with Cider' by James Yorkston
James’ solo career began when John Peel played a demo of his ‘Moving Up Country, Roaring The Gospel’, proclaiming it had “The Song title of the year, no doubt”. as both Matt and I worship John's ever-living ghost as the greatest radio DJ of all time, we felt it only right to continue his good work and give James some more exposure. This time not on Radio One, but on BCFM. A radio station staffed by volunteers, and loved by the seven or eight people able to tune in to it's faltering candlelight signal... I hope James appreciates what we have done for him.
James does another song called 'Tortoise Regrets Hare' Every time I hear it I can't help but imagining the little guy in a toupee, at a school reunion or something, feeling pretty awkward.

RIP Peel.

All Down Hill From Here by A New Found Glory
This band's lead singer sounds like he's a tiny little guy trapped in the nose of a much larger man. From that perspective everything would appear to be downhill. I get the feeling that this song is about the end of a relationship. Which is kind of fair, who wants to go out with a guy who's covered in Mucus. New found Glory are from Florida and their picture on Wikipedia is of the lead singer holding his crotch. There's also a topless fat bloke in the background and a guy who looks like he is setting up a drum kit for the next band on. Not a good look

'Symphony in C' by Cake
Cake! please mark that as 'useful'


'Last Will And Testament' by Propagandhi
Ironically this is the Last track we Will play and um... it reminds me of a 'Test I meant' to take, but never turned up for. Sadly due to missing that vital exam I will never be a Gynaecologist.
Propagandhi are Canadian. What? There's nothing wrong with that. Did you not see the opening ceremony to the Olympics? You didn't? You wouldn't be talking that Jive about the big C if you did. It was Awesome. They Rocked that Sh=T Like a huracain

By my calculations, based on a 40 hour working week, Matt Setback will do pretty much anything for £48.01 per hour. If he's willing to work everyhour of every day it's more like £11.40. He, like myself, works on this show for free.

3: The Dubstep Special

You can hear our world famous Dubstep Special HERE

Matt picked all the tracks for this show which he promised me would be all Dubstep and that we would do our best to explore this fascinating and cool fresh and above all local style of music. Apparently he lied. By the end of the show it was clear that this was our 'Dubstep Free Special' as we cruised through another hour without playing any Dubstep at all.

Here for your reading pleasure is the world famous track listings...

'Recording Device' By Babyhead
On the show Matt tells an elaborate story about this local 'SkRap' band, He claims that they broke up and then got back together because of problems with the brass section, but according to thier website They never broke up, and the confusion arose due to the fact that they titled their 2008 show 'The End of Babyhead?' it turns out that the answer to that question was 'No... No it isn't'

'The Gentle Art of Making Enemies' by Faith No More
Crooning Rock sung straight faced by the versatile front man Mike Patton. Mike wasn't the first person to sing for Faith No More, before they broke through to the big time Faith No More were fronted by, the Yoko Ono of Grunge Courtney Love. It's old, it's Classic, it's Faith No More.

'Pawn Shop' by Sublime
According to Matt 'They're a famous, kind of orange county kind of um.. ska punky kind of California band.' According to me 'Sublime were formed in 1987 when their manager, Dr Lou Gehrig who was also a baseball player decided he would turn his equally muscled and skilled hands, to playing guitar' I like my version better even if it isn't true. mmmm... Muscled Hands

'Puppies in Love' by the Love Puppies (Actually 'Carpe Diem' by WilHaven)
Heavy like the crushed heart of the sun, like the water of the Mariana Trench, Heavy like the bleeding eyes of the first man to see the face of the anti-christ. HEAVY. Like the future imagined by Dr Emmett Brown. like a T-Rex footfall. Like the smell in the air on the eve of nuclear war. That's heavy man. That's Wilhaven.

'Economics 101 (the Natal Lottery)' by Clayton Blizzard
'Change doesn't trickle down to us it rises up like dust so stamp your feet!'
Clayton is a local artist that is frickin' awesome, witty, political, clever and utterly amazing live. One day we will have Clayton on the show and all me and Matt will be able to do is giggle and prod him occasionally to see if he's really there. go to his website.

'Night Letters' by Propagandhi
No false Gandhi's here! These guys are from Canada a land of lakes, beavers, massive trees and two of my favourite novelists (Douglas Coupland and Matt Hooton). In 1998 Canada had a GDP of 1.4 trillion US dollars and had never started a war. It has however perpetrated a very under-reported series of atrocities against what we call the 'First Nations People'. In Canada there are forests the size of Europe. Think about that for a second. Europe dude. That's pretty massive.

'MX' by the Deftones
The Deftones are from Sacramento, California. This semi secret song from the end of the Around the Fur album is a kind of frustrated and uncomfortably sexy durge. There is sexy lady in the background who takes time out of her busy day to encourage him to keep singing. She seems to imply that if he follows through with her instructions there might be an unspecified reward in it for him.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for reading. I'm gonna go ride my bike through the woods. I'm 30 years old, but I still know how to have fun. good clean dubstepless fun.