37: Amature Hour

What if for just one year, soap operas stopped presenting Christmas as some kind of hellish festival of domestic violence and inter-familiar aggression? what if they decided to do Christmas like the movies do it? Why not have a character we are all rooting for face insurmountable odds and overcome them, armed with nothing but the miracle of human kindness?


Could not a child make a wish? Could that wish not come true..? Could I please be that child?


If I was in charge of Eastenders, all the dogs would talk and every twenty minutes the humans would burst into song. 

Sadly I'm not in charge of Eastenders... 


Instead I chose to waste my life by working for a living and co-hosting (for free)  a radio show that precludes me from ever getting a proper job in broadcasting. If you want to listen to this latest career mistake then click... 

Here

TRACK LISTINGS

'Rent a Cop' By Ben Folds
At the age of 26, I defeated 10'000 applicants to get myself an interview for a trainee writer position for BBC Teens. If I had got that job I would have moved to London, would have excelled as a writer and would probably have my own series by now. Sadly I got crazy nervous and badly screwed up the interview. Oddly enough I still believed I had done pretty well all things considered and that it was just a matter of time before my obvious talent was discovered.



'Miles Davis and the Cool' by Gas Light Anthem
A little later on I got another interview for a job as a development researcher for television drama. Had I got that job I would have spent all day reading scripts, assessing them for feasibility and artistic merit. I would be an expert in commissioning television drama by now and would have a healthy bank balance and a back-catalogue of my own commissioned work to boot.
I stupidly told the interview panel I had 'no idea about broadcasting guidelines, but learn things really really fast'. They gave the job to a guy with one arm. I couldn't really argue with that.



'Lullaby (Divorce Song)' by Steven Lynch 
By now I actually do have a back catalogue, but mostly it's of half formed ideas on scraps of note paper, and word documents with weird names that I don't really remember writing. That and a pile of failed application forms and cover letters to agents, production companies and magazines that either never got back to me or replied in the negative. I'm still not totally sure what I'm doing wrong.



'Christina, She Don't Know That  I Exist' by Street Light Manifesto
I have had some mild success... I've had a couple of stories read on Radio 4... I've written a few scripts. One of them got through to the second round of the writers room. That was a bitter sweet email of feedback...  I haven't written another script since I got that letter. I'm not really sure why.


'C.R.E.A.M (Cash Rules Everything Around Me)' by The Wu Tang Clan
I spend a lot of my time working to get money. I spend a lot of my money travelling to get to work. It's a crazy situation but there just doesn't seem to be any way out of it. Just one of those things I guess. Still at least I have a Job.


'Justified Black Eye' by No Use For a Name
Every year I set myself goals, then I blink and it's over and I'm another year older and I still haven't written that novel. I'm 31 now. I cried a lot around my birthday. I cried over movies, I cried over songs in the car... I cried about everything.


'Old School' by  DangerDoom
So maybe I'm not the genius I thought I was when I was at Uni. Maybe I'm one of those failed ass writers I used to laugh and point at. 'I'll never be like you' I said... 'I'm too fucking talented, too full of ideas'. Perhaps it would be closer to the truth to say I am too lazy and too easily distracted to make it in the real world. I guess the important this is not to be bitter about the whole thing.


Today's Empires, Tomorrow's Ashes' by Propergandhi
There must be more of me out there. A legion of also-rans with a draw full of scripts and a few short films bouncing around on their hard-drives and taking up space. There must be a billion stubble-faced 30 somethings bitching lyrical about their bum luck on some blog that nobody reads.
 Sometimes at night I can hear them all shuffling to refrigerator for a late night stack, getting slowly fatter and wondering where it all went wrong.
Maybe we should start some sort of club.
A support group maybe...
With a witty name. 
Maybe not.

This year, for Christmas I'm not writing any goals. This year I'm just asking for a miracle.

36: Hello I wuv you, wont you tell me your name....

We open this episode with some life/mine-craft advice... listen carefully because it might just change your life, both spiritually and sexually.

If you have an hour or so to waste (either now or in the future) you can right click on the word HERE below, and then 'Save-As' to your hard drive then you can treat this program like any other pod-cast.

Here

Or you can left click on it and it will stream in the background while you mindlessly search the internet for porn.

Ask yourself...

what is it you're really looking for?

TRACK LISTINGS

'Under-tow' by War Paint
My wife. She hates war. She loves painting. She claims to love this band. So we are playing this for her.

The under-tow is a hidden current, an invisible force that pulls swimmers from the shallow world of the beach into the cold and frightening depths of the ocean. Sometimes known as the Under-toad, it's amphibious force can sometime be felt metaphorically in your life. Choose to kick against it. or let it pull you out to sea. The choice is yours.

'Rookie' by Boy Sets Fire
Is there an innate sense of justice in the world? Some exterior power that seeks to redress the balance when things go wrong? I'm talking about a universal Ethic existing beyond the judgement and understanding of the individual. perhaps it is a manifestation of some kind of Meta-Conciousness, a collective unconscious field of sentient energy that is both created by and manipulates our behaviour on a day to day basis... What ever you think about it. I've got my t-shirt back. (Men's T-Shirt Blue)

'Not the Same' by Ben Folds
To anyone who hasn't done it yet I advise you to look deep inside yourself and find God. I mean this in a strictly non-denominational way. It doesn't even have to be mono-theistic. Feel free to be poly theistic. Bow down to the Genius Loci if the mood takes you. but find something to believe in what ever you do...  even if it's just for the weekend.

'Stay to Long' By Plan B
Northern Soul. Some people view religion as some kind of celestial pension... or insurance policy. Maybe they are right but... It doest really ring true with me.
The other day my car broke down and we ended up sat in this hotel just off the M25. There was this religious conference going on in one of the convention rooms. A woman outside selling leaflets and other merchandise told me that while she had a personal relationship with a higher power, she didn't go to church. I left her standing there alone. It was my turn to use the 20 minutes of free broadband. I used it to change my Facebook status to 'My car is broken down- Pray for me.'
About two hours later the AA managed to fix it.


'Generator above Second Floor' by Freelance Whales
Imagine you are standing on a sea of letters, shifting like water from where you are standing all the way out to the horizon. You step forward and pick up a hand-full.  Each address written in the same scrawling hand. Your name and Address, your middle name replaced with "The Arsehole". Your eye is drawn to the stamps; every one a silhouette of your face, postmarked from all over the world. a shadow falls across the sun making you look up. Towering above you is a tidal wave of hatemail. It is about to break. As the weight comes down, you reach out and touch faith.


'Young, Dumb and Stung' by Say Anything
How can we learn to come to terms with mortality if we are never able to experience even a moments worth of Death. Hard as I try I cannot even imagine it. I know a couple of people who claim yo have peeked thought the door. Humans whose hearts have stopped and then been started again by the powers of modern Medicine. When I asked them what it was like they told me that it was difficult to explain.
How can the world end today when it's already tomorrow in Australia?

'Steel Beast Defeated' by Fu Manchu
I was trying to think of something to put in this 'Track Description' when the phone rang. I didn't recognise the number.  She wanted to book a table for four. I told her that this wasn't a restaurant, this was my house. She apologised.

I guess everybody gets things wrong sometimes.

'Holiday' by The Get Up Kids
Holiday. Holy Day. Every day is Holy. Even those you choose to spend in bed.


Good Night.

25: Valley of the large breasted women and other cliches.

Matt and I run a tight ship. We don't suffer fools gladly. We call a spade a spade. We are no-nonsense, you get what you pay for, salt of the earth type broadcasters. We are diamonds in the rough, snakes on a plane, booty shaking, reggue dancehall loving cockney rebels and we don't give a damn and take no shit from nobody. In a time of heroes, trapped in a world gone mad, two men dared to dream a dream called freedom. If you liked Kindergarden Cop, Daddy Day Care and the Bourne Circumcision... You'll love this. It's like Mary Poppins does Dallas... On Acid! 

You can listen to or download our no holds barred, adrenlne fuelled, Orwellian nightmare of a radio programme...

Here

you can read the "humourous" Track Listings below.

TRACK LISTINGS

'Why Bother?' by Weezer

...

'Sucre' by The Stares

Sucre means sugar in french, but to anyone that watched Prison Break (Even if you only watched the first couple of series before realising that life was too short) it means so much more. It means a pluckly and lovable hobre with a great smile and a can-do attitude. An honorable thief that will sacrifice all for the cell mate he has grown to love like a brother.

'Bro Hymn' by Pennywise

From the cold and impersonal wilderness of postmodern life, from the isolated cellular seclusion of the cyber-sequestrated realms of human time and space, comes a love song to the crowd. A song that bows it's head in reverence, to those pillars of the french revolution, Fraternity, Equality and Liberty X.

'You Don't Know Me (Homie)' by Ben Folds Featuring Regina Spektor

Ben folds also produced Amanda Palmer's latest Album. It appears Ben likes to work with attractive ladies who play the Piano. Watch this space for an Alicia Keys collaboration. Also watch out for the awesome and musically onomatopoaeic 'disharmonies' that appear towards the end of the song. very clever.

'Milk Lizard' by The Dillinger Escape Plan

I'm just going to use the title of this track to do a load of links to blue Jam.  this one    this one    this one and this one. I really would advise that no-one watch them. To be honest it's all a bit too much for me to deal with. They make me feel like I've been reading the random tab on 4chan... I'm pretty sure that Chris Morris is some kind of high-functioning psycho. 

'Creep' By Amanda Palmer (Original by Radio Head)

Amanda Palmer not playing the piano, not playing her own material and still being awesome... Amanda is engaged to Neil Gaiman.  You know Neil right... that dude with all the brains talent and money in the world. Damn you Gaiman, why must you mock me?

'Come Quietly' By Strobe 45

Stef had ginger hair but he died it black. He rode a BMX and he rode it well, but he once lost a girl to a guy that could do back flips. He was crazy into Ayrton Senna and he drove a car that was half van and half car. He's still out there somewhere, being awesome. One day he might google his old band name and then this will pop up. Hello Stef!!

'Ice Cream Man' By Jonathan Richman and the Modern Lovers

I really feel like this song should just go on forever. I'd love to go and see the modern lovers and for them to play a two hour set that opened, and closed with Ice Cream Man. perhaps kicked off with the words... 'I hope you enjoy our new direction.'

Goodnight.

6: Frankie said Relax. We listened.

To listened to our most 'Relaxed' Show yet... Click HERE

I heard a rumour once that the ear bones are the clitoris of the mind. If this is the case then let us play you something... Stimulating. Let us get that hammer, anvil and stirrup vibrating out a rhythmic pulse of pure orgasmic energy... Straight to the Brain!

Don't forget to email the show on DannandMatt@bcfm.org.uk

Track Listings

'Deep Blue Sea' by Grizzly Bear
What could be more erotic than a grizzly bear. Standing proud at 47feet in height, the modern Grizzly can smell a female in heat from 1000 miles away. That's not what this song is about. This song is about various family members drowning in the sea. despite this macabre subject matter it seems quite a happy little song.

'Drop Out' by Rocket From the Crypt
Pretty much everyone at my old school (not the one in the link) got well into Rocket From the Crypt except me. I think that this is probably because they all went off and watched a Rocket concert without me. Perhaps even to this day I am blinded by my own misguided jealousy, Perhaps songs about hanging onto ropes just don't do it for me. Who knows. The lead singer of Rocket from the Crypt is called 'Speedo' He doesn't support Man City.

'Jesus Land' by Ben Folds
This song reminds me primarily of wandering through a suburb of Melbourne when I went to visit my sister in Australia. It was much too hot for anyone to actually go outside, people drove from air-conditioned place to air-conditioned place in air-conditioned cars. There was a huge church and no people anywhere. All the houses looked the same and every third or fourth bush had a massive spider in it, like dinner plate size.

'Channel Zero' By Public Enemy
While I was well into my hip hop throughout the 90's and early 00's I never got into Public Enemy at all. I found their politics to be naive and predictable, not at all like the nuanced message of personal empowerment I would get from Ice T, KRS1 and Jru. In the end I kind of grew out of my hip hop phase, mostly I think because I wanted to spend time with girls and the older I got the more trouble I had excusing the rampant misogamy.

'Woozy with Cider' by James Yorkston
James’ solo career began when John Peel played a demo of his ‘Moving Up Country, Roaring The Gospel’, proclaiming it had “The Song title of the year, no doubt”. as both Matt and I worship John's ever-living ghost as the greatest radio DJ of all time, we felt it only right to continue his good work and give James some more exposure. This time not on Radio One, but on BCFM. A radio station staffed by volunteers, and loved by the seven or eight people able to tune in to it's faltering candlelight signal... I hope James appreciates what we have done for him.
James does another song called 'Tortoise Regrets Hare' Every time I hear it I can't help but imagining the little guy in a toupee, at a school reunion or something, feeling pretty awkward.

RIP Peel.

All Down Hill From Here by A New Found Glory
This band's lead singer sounds like he's a tiny little guy trapped in the nose of a much larger man. From that perspective everything would appear to be downhill. I get the feeling that this song is about the end of a relationship. Which is kind of fair, who wants to go out with a guy who's covered in Mucus. New found Glory are from Florida and their picture on Wikipedia is of the lead singer holding his crotch. There's also a topless fat bloke in the background and a guy who looks like he is setting up a drum kit for the next band on. Not a good look

'Symphony in C' by Cake
Cake! please mark that as 'useful'


'Last Will And Testament' by Propagandhi
Ironically this is the Last track we Will play and um... it reminds me of a 'Test I meant' to take, but never turned up for. Sadly due to missing that vital exam I will never be a Gynaecologist.
Propagandhi are Canadian. What? There's nothing wrong with that. Did you not see the opening ceremony to the Olympics? You didn't? You wouldn't be talking that Jive about the big C if you did. It was Awesome. They Rocked that Sh=T Like a huracain

By my calculations, based on a 40 hour working week, Matt Setback will do pretty much anything for £48.01 per hour. If he's willing to work everyhour of every day it's more like £11.40. He, like myself, works on this show for free.

1: Pilot Episode: Naked Baby Photos

Here for your listening pleasure is the Pilot Episode

Track listings

'Sleeping In' by the Postal Service

Before that asshole OwlCity ripped off their style and sound with his mindless pile of bullcrap 'FireFlies', there was a band called the Postal Service. The main difference between the two is that The Postal Service came first, have talent and like to discuss big ideas. Their lyrics riff on the complex emotional nature of the human experience rather than just connect a bunch of words together that rhyme.

At no point do they receive hugs from bugs, or say goodbye to flies.

Click HERE for a more comprehensive slagging off of OwlCity. All of it deserved. My god it makes me angry.

'Joy, Discovery, Invention' by Biffy Clyro

Biffy Clyro (a kind of emolicious foo-fighters-esque soundtrack-to-intense-lovemaking type band) demand to be taken to your blackened skies. Who are you to argue with Biffy?
According to Matt, this is from their older stuff... which is better.

'Faliure' by Laura Marling
A truly amazing song from the truly amazing Laura Marling in which she dumps a guy for losing his poetic ethic and writing pathetic songs. Fair enough.

'Adderall' by The Holdsteady

The Holdsteady are a kind of drunken Irish American pub-party band, a kind of Soundtrack to the secret life of Jimmy McNulty of the Baltamore PD. Matt compares them to Bruce Springstein and says that their other music is more pretentious and intellectual than this one.

According to Wikipedia: 'Adderall is a brand-name psycho-stimulant medication composed of amphetamine and dextroamphetamine, which is thought to work by increasing the amount of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain.[1] Adderall is widely reported to increase alertness, libido, concentration and overall cognitive performance while decreasing user fatigue.'

'You're Gonna Die' by William Shatner, produced by Ben Folds...

Shatner confronts mortality in this haunting and thought provoking track. He may be talking to an individual, he may be talking to the human race as a whole. Listen to this song everyday, perhaps set it as your wake up alarm. You'll either get up and do everything on your to-do list, or you won't get up at all.

Sadly discussion between Matt and I drifts away from such lofty topics as life and death and drifts towards Shatner's historical quest to achieve a personal directed panspermia.

'Less Bright Eyes More Deicide' by the Wilhelm Scream

Fast Loud Music, picked by Matt. Apparently this particular song sounds more like the band, Deicide and less like the band Bright Eyes. It's a high energy, heavy guitar, man-singing masterpiece.

Here is a link to the Wilhelm Scream in action.

THE WILHELM SCREAM IN ACTION