43: The Quantum Conundrum

I remember the first time I saw the snow. It was 1989 and I was nine years old. My parents had left me alone in the house because they wanted to go to swingers party and figured I'd just get in the way.
I got bored of the television around 2am and wandered outside into the street. Despite the sound of distant sirens, I remember being filled up by a sense of calm. In the pale glow of the street-light even the concrete seemed soft. Blanketed in sheets of white, the perennial piles of rotting garbage looking somehow clean, perhaps even... forgiven.
For just one night. My hellish life in the city lost its cynical edge. 

By morning the snow had turned to a rancid brown sludge and a few doors down there was a gap with a cherry red smear around the edges. It turned out that, that was where a gang of kids had beat a hobo half to death. They probably would have killed him if my parents hadn't interrupted them.

I learned that night that nothing gets corrupted faster or more thoroughly than virgin snow on the blood red streets of the city. Not even you.

In order to listen to this weeks thrilling episode of the ETP, press...

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Track Listings

'Denise' by Fountains of Wayne
Some people might describe an unpaid weekly podcast/blog combo as little more than a pointless vanity project. Looking at my/our listening figures it is difficult for me/us to argue against them. In my/our defence I would like to point out that if I/we can make just one person think that I/we am/are cooler than I/we really am/are, then I think that I/we can chalk that one down as a win for vanity. The truth is that by getting my/our shit together and turning up on a semi-weekly basis I/we have proved that I/we am/are better than you pigs.


'Tommy C' by Dan Le Sac and Scroobius Pip
I'm/We're really sorry I/we just called you all pigs. You are not pigs. A lot of you are sexy/independent women. Some of you are hairless and capable men. By making the choice to both tune in and download the programme, you have transcended the porcine aspects of your character and joined the ranks of the enlightened. Come, join hands with me/us and let us all ride together on this new and exciting plane of existence. Together/alone, brethren,  I/we shall complain loudly about how Dan Le Sac and Scroobius Pip, although highly capable, will never quite match the potential they displayed in that 'Thou shalt always kill' video on Youtube.


'Oh My God' By Ida Maria
What the hell is it that you people want from me/us? Why don't you go and record your own stupid show and leave me/us alone? Sometimes I/we think about buying a gun and moving to the middle of a national park. I/we want to go a live the life of a bear. I/we want to stride through the open countryside with my/our cubs in tow. I/we want nothing more than enough protein to get through the harsh Yellowstone winter.  I/we want to have my/our image captured by a photographer from National Geographic as I/we stand proud and naked upon a prominence above a crystal blue lake.

See below for detail

'Rock for Sustainable Capitalism' Propagandhi
I/we guess our/my desire to be photographed, reveals the fact that I/we really do need the love and adulation of my/our fellow man/lady. I/we would be lost without the proximity and praise of you the warm-bodied listener. Perhaps in the future I/we will have an army of robotic fans to mob and molest me/us in the street. Until that time comes I/we have you. Thank-you for tuning in. I/we really mean that. Without you the show would be nothing.

'Long Time' by Cake
 'Fame is fleeting', said Oscar Wild, 'but obscurity is forever'
'Forever is a mighty long time', said Prince, desperately hoping that no-one would notice he was taking himself far too seriously.

You like Prince don't you. You're willing to forgive his occasional forays into nobbishness and even his last three albums if it gives you the chance to bask in the light of his reflected purple glory. You really are a massive idiot. Only you're best friend would tell you... but you are.

'Looking for my Leopard' by Seven Seconds of Love 
When I/we say 'you'... I/we don't mean you. How could I/we possibly mean you. I/we don't even know you. Probably. You could be Brian Cox for all I/we know. You could be Justin Lee Collins. You could be a contender for gods sake. 
Just who do I/we mean when I/we say you then?
Probably me/us. That's who I/we are really talking about here. At heart I/we am/are a/all Fanboy/Fanboys. Surely there is nothing wrong with having heroes. Surely that deserves to be forgiven, perhaps even encouraged.

'Breaking the Girl' by The Red Hot Chilly Peppers

See... look... Erotic Toast... get it!

Flea plays the flute on this track. That doesn't sit well in your mind with your image of Flea, the muscular Bass player with the fixed speed-head grin and outlandish tatoos. When you think of the flute you imagine polished public school girls pursing their lips. You imagine Ron Burgundy popping his head under the toilet door. This new contradiction introduces you/us to a new and interesting quatum state of mind where flea can exist on both Bass Guitar and the Flute at the same time. I/we are betting that this is more than your monkey brain can handle. Unless of course you/we are professor Brian Cox.

'Thinking about You' by Radiohead
Damn you/us Brian Cox, Damn you/us to hell.  I/we are going to the bathroom. I/we are typing this message. I/we are out eating a meal with my/our cousin because it's his/your birthday.
What time is it?
It's that time of day when my/our wife gets home and wonders why we/you haven't done any washing up yet. I/we will tell you/us what time it is/isn't. It's time for me/us/you to go.

Goodnight.

32: The Blackholes of Texus

What do you want to talk about. I want to talk about the Large Haydron Collider. Sadly neither of us is professor Brian Cox. Unless, like, through some weird quirk of fate Brian Cox is reading this. In which case... Hello Brian,  welcome to the Erotic Toast Project...  this must be pretty weird for you. Thanks for tuning in.

You can listen to this episode

Here
 
I'm not going to talk about the large Haydron Collider... Apparently I'm just going to go off on a massive rant about post-modernism that ultimately does little but expand upon the lyrics to Earth Song by the late Michael Jackson.

TRACK LISTINGS


'I Want So Hard' by The Eagles of Deathmetal
One of the well publicised but totally unattempted problems of post modernity is Drama school culture.  The view that we have been brainwashed into believing that Wanting and Working are synonymous that if we want it hard enough we can have it. I don't think that people actually think this. I think we all work really hard.  There is just a lot of people who want to be entertainment superstars.

'It Don't Move Me' by Peter,  Bjorn and John.
The reason is this... we used to have progress we could believe in. We did things for the greater good, to work towards 'an end to war/poverty/disease'. We believed that these were both achievable and desirable goals and people were happy to be part of that. We made predictions of what was to come like Star Trek and all those adverts for the future with the assured sounding Mid-Western narrators that told us about flying cars and push button homes. Most of us didn't need or want to be on telly then... we were happy to be a small but vital cog in the benevolent machine of progress. Sadly we lost faith in this machine.


'Palo Alto' by Radiohead
Here's part of the reason why: progress was too successful for it's own good. Like a particle gaining mass as it approaches the speed of light, as we got closer and closer to achieving the goals we set ourselves, we found that our partial success had caused yet more complex and dangerous problems. Victory over disease leads to massive global overpopulation, progress of science leads to nuclear weapons, the war on poverty and 'inconvenience' leads to horrifying environmental consequences...

Casimir Pulaski Day by Sufjan Stevens
Here's another reason why: In order for us to make 'Progress' we had to abandon what we had before, which was knowledge passed down from the past. Where we had faith in our elders, our traditions and ultimately an immortal god that had been there since the very beginning, in its place we had empirical scientific analysis in all areas of human life and faith in new knowledge and a brighter future. People miss the things they have had to give up along the way, the morality, authority and sense of community. They feel that they are missing something from there lives... disrespecting those that went before. Dancing on their grandparent graves if you will.


'Pantera Fans in Love' by Nerf Herder
 As faith in the great machine of progress collapses, people are not only not content that they are living worthwhile lives just by taking part, but actively feel bad about taking part at all. In to the world comes the creeping feeling that by working for, or investing in, big oil or some other massively corporate entity you are similar to a pre-second world war German, passively collaborating in some horrific and evil crime against nature.

DANN'S SIXTH FORM SONG
'1979' By Smashing Pumpkins
Some rage against the system that pays either their wages or their dole cheque. They fight for any cause that will have them,  Some give up on the whole thing, disaffected they waste their lives on recreational drug use, world of war craft and DJ hero.  The rich seek validation in expensive and dangerous hobbies, mountain climbing and extreme sports. They conquer peaks and put the pictures on their bedroom walls.

'When Life Gives You Lemons' by Atmosphere
What they all have in common is that they are now defining themselves by what they do in their free time. People no longer wish to define themselves though the work that they do. They want to feel as separate from it as possible. They look for things to do in their free time that will give them a long missing sense of achievement.


'Ready for Anything' by Patrick Alexander
Everyone likes to sing and dance in one form or another, it's easy and it's free.  I think where I am going with this, the ultimate truth I am going for...  is that I want to be Ghengis Kahn. I am interested in meeting anyone that will at least pretend that I am Ghengis Kahn and I will pay good money for them to do so.

Ghengis Kahn  was the biggest super star of them all...