When the worst happens, this healthy and easily achievable recipe will save your life.
Ingredients,
A Shitload of Beef, Chicken or Lamb
One Tin of Baked Beans
One Tin of Kidney Beans
Buritto Seasoning (available in little yellow packets from your local super market or drug dealer)
An Onion
A Pepper
Some Burrito Wraps
Some Letuce/a Bag of Salad.
Some Cheese
A Tomato
Salsa (The sauce not the dance)
A Jar of sliced Jalepinos
And no eggs.
The trick is to make the Burritos the night before. Do not eat them all. Leave one for the morning. Then drink a crap load of Tequilla and go record a radio show.
INSTRUCTIONS/TRACK LISTINGS
Start by pressing
Play
and then begin defrosting your meat in the microwave.
'Rome' by Phoenix
Place the tin of baked beans and the tin of kidney beans into a blender. Add some of the Burrito Spices. press blend.
'A Small Victory' by Faith No More
Slice the onion and the pepper, place them in a frying pan. Stop and look at them for a moment. Arn't they oddly beautifull. The colours all mixing together. Realise that sometimes even the real world can feel like a dream. Press stop on the blender.
'Oh No' by Andrew Bird
Turn up the heat, but not too high. Add your now defrosted meat to the mixture of onion and pepper. Add some more Burrito Mix. Stir that shit around until it's pretty well coated with Burritto powder. Then lean in close and whisper a short apology. Explain to it that everything has to eat and that this is the natural order of things. Stick a lid on it. Wipe away a silent tear.
'Fresh Attitude Young Body' by Bomb the Music Industry
It's time to turn your attention to the lettuce and stuff, if it's just a lettuce then wash it, chop it and put it in a bowl. If you bought a bag of salad then just tip it into a bowl. Now it's time to chop up your tomato and put the distended chunks into their own separate bowl. Grate the cheese. This too gets it's own bowl.
'I Like You So Much Better When Your Naked' By Ida Maria
Place the mush of beans that is currently sitting in your blender into yet another bowl. Check that it's microwave proof. Engage the magnetron! Blast the beans for two minutes on full power. Watch them rotate. See them go around and around. Remember that the Microwave was originally called the Deathray and that they wanted to use it to fry fighter pilots in their seats. Giggle a bit when you remember that they used to call the internet 'the information super-highway'. Wonder at the parrot-like nature of the human brain.
'Flight of the Navigator' by Set Your Goals
Take the lid off of that crap in your frying-pan and stir it around a little bit. Take the beans out of the microwave. Stir them around then give them another minute. Look at all the stuff you have on your clean counter-top. All the separate bowls. The yellow of the cheese, the red of the tomato, the green of the salad. Realise what is missing. Set up another bowl and but the deeper blood-red mixture of the salsa in in it. Feel proud. Stir the frying pan again.
'Little Bit' By Lykke Li
Get the wraps out of the plastic wrapper and put them on a plate. Remove the beans from the microwave and put the wraps in their place. Blast um' Captain, for one lonely minute.
'Red Letter Day' by The Get Up Kids
It's time to assemble those badboys! Get your nice warm wrap and smear some refried/microwave beans, all over it, add a bed of meat, some lettuce, cheese, salsa, tomato and a few jalapeño bits. Fold over the bottom then roll it up and tuck it into its self. For extra style point pin the bugger down with a cocktail stick. Remember to make an extra one for the morning. Go to your front room, Sit down infront of the TV, perhaps an old episode of Friends is on. Take a bite.
Remember that you completely forgot about Sour Cream. Wonder why the hell bad things happen to good people.
Bristol Community FM's Flagship Friday Night Music Show Fridays at 7pm on 93.2fm
Showing posts with label Andrew Bird. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Andrew Bird. Show all posts
Thursday, 3 March 2011
Monday, 10 May 2010
13: Illfated Episode 13. The Technical Mistake Special (with added dubstep!)
This is possibly one of the worst ever episodes of the Erotic Toast Project. What could go wrong did.
You can listen to the horrific crime against god that was Episode 13 HERE To be fair, it's not that bad. The problems of this episode pale in insignificance next to those of mother nature right now... think about it. There is a lot wrong with the world and rather than wasting your time listening to a stupid radio show, you should probably go do something about it. Go outside, reach down a turtles throat and pull out the plastic bag that's stopping him from digesting fish... Go down to the Keynsham Bypass and dig a tunnel so that badgers can stop getting squashed there, at the very least give the dog a bath you lazy bastard. You know what, sod it. You're already here so you might as well tune in.
Without further waste of time. On with the...
TRACK LISTINGS
'Big Tings Gwidarn' by Roots Manova Ft. Seanie T
This is totally titled 'Gwidarn' which totally does sound like it might be in welsh. Matt and I reveal the scary fact to the world that the two of us went to school in Wales together. There is swearing on this track and as a result those words have been replaced by the word 'Dwarf' Taken from '200 solemn faces' that we play later on in the show. It's quite subtle, so do let me know if you happen to spot the cunning substitution. (not safe for work)
Also Midgets totally get a mention in this track... so there's a link. Midgets! (also not safe for work)
'RV' by Faith No More
The letters RV stand for Recreational Vehicle, basically this is a song about a man who lives in a camper van. Mike Patten sings on this atmospheric eulogy to the world that convenience promised us. all that we are left with is our own stunning lethargy and an indefinable sense of loss. I mention the Crash Test Dummies, which I felt deserved a plug seeing as they only had enough juice in them for the one successful album, although they are apparently still going and could probably use a friend or some spare change by now.
'That's me Trying' by William Shatner
Written by the novelist Nick Horby, one of whose characters I seem to be slowly turning into... and produced by Ben Folds who I would love to be re-born as... and sung by Shatner, who once made love to a mountain, this is a track about a man desperately trying to reconnect with his long lost daughter. Matt thinks that it's too sappy, too melancholic and nostalgic to be allowed to live. Perhaps he is right, perhaps one day he'll get a letter from his feminine side, and the two of them will meet in a cafe in Shorditch, and they'll make small talk while all the while dying inside because of all the things they've left unsaid. Who knows?
'Raise the Banner' by King Prawn
Before we got the massively fair, simple and open political system we all enjoy today, the nation of Great Britain was ruled by consortium of invertebrates known as the son's of Poseidon. Sadly in the year 1950 people finally realised how hungry they were and how much they liked seafood.
'The Giant of Illinois' Andrew Bird (originally by the Handsome Family)
The worlds largest ball of twine is a controversial topic. More controversial than I was expecting. some say it's in Kansas, Some say Missouri or Minnesota. No one in the great state of Illinois claims to have the worlds largest ball of twine. They do claim that there once was a giant there, and that he died from a blister on his toe.
Caffeine Bomb by the Wildhearts
Who would have thought that a group of young men from the fine and noble town of Newcastle Upon Tyne would grow up to sing about being massively hungover and then drinking yet more alcohol. In Newcastle the police helicopters have NUT-PD written on the side of them and Jimmy Nail is allowed to sleep with any woman he wants.
'200 Solemn Faces' by Ben Fold's Five
What you hear on the tape is the beginning and the end of the live version... with the studio version in the middle.
Basically because the live version isn't as good.
This is a great song. It catalogs most of the reasons I got into broadcasting in the first place. So to all of ya'll who graduated Fairfield in 1995 you can kiss my beans goodbye, I'm on community radio now, I've hit the big time baby, I need a drink.
'Testify' by The Red Hot Chile Peppers
From a time when the Chile's could still make a song that stank of sweat and beer.
The movie I refer to on the show is this one. I guess it stuck in my head because I was about six when it came out and it was the first time I saw and old man punch a guy in order to impress a hooker. I also like how badly the sound was done on that movie, how obvious it is that the music was put on later, how what you are watching is a room full of wannabees trying desperately to dance to the silence of their own forgotten lives.
Goodnight.
You can listen to the horrific crime against god that was Episode 13 HERE To be fair, it's not that bad. The problems of this episode pale in insignificance next to those of mother nature right now... think about it. There is a lot wrong with the world and rather than wasting your time listening to a stupid radio show, you should probably go do something about it. Go outside, reach down a turtles throat and pull out the plastic bag that's stopping him from digesting fish... Go down to the Keynsham Bypass and dig a tunnel so that badgers can stop getting squashed there, at the very least give the dog a bath you lazy bastard. You know what, sod it. You're already here so you might as well tune in.
Without further waste of time. On with the...
TRACK LISTINGS
'Big Tings Gwidarn' by Roots Manova Ft. Seanie T
This is totally titled 'Gwidarn' which totally does sound like it might be in welsh. Matt and I reveal the scary fact to the world that the two of us went to school in Wales together. There is swearing on this track and as a result those words have been replaced by the word 'Dwarf' Taken from '200 solemn faces' that we play later on in the show. It's quite subtle, so do let me know if you happen to spot the cunning substitution. (not safe for work)
Also Midgets totally get a mention in this track... so there's a link. Midgets! (also not safe for work)
'RV' by Faith No More
The letters RV stand for Recreational Vehicle, basically this is a song about a man who lives in a camper van. Mike Patten sings on this atmospheric eulogy to the world that convenience promised us. all that we are left with is our own stunning lethargy and an indefinable sense of loss. I mention the Crash Test Dummies, which I felt deserved a plug seeing as they only had enough juice in them for the one successful album, although they are apparently still going and could probably use a friend or some spare change by now.
'That's me Trying' by William Shatner
Written by the novelist Nick Horby, one of whose characters I seem to be slowly turning into... and produced by Ben Folds who I would love to be re-born as... and sung by Shatner, who once made love to a mountain, this is a track about a man desperately trying to reconnect with his long lost daughter. Matt thinks that it's too sappy, too melancholic and nostalgic to be allowed to live. Perhaps he is right, perhaps one day he'll get a letter from his feminine side, and the two of them will meet in a cafe in Shorditch, and they'll make small talk while all the while dying inside because of all the things they've left unsaid. Who knows?
'Raise the Banner' by King Prawn
Before we got the massively fair, simple and open political system we all enjoy today, the nation of Great Britain was ruled by consortium of invertebrates known as the son's of Poseidon. Sadly in the year 1950 people finally realised how hungry they were and how much they liked seafood.
'The Giant of Illinois' Andrew Bird (originally by the Handsome Family)
The worlds largest ball of twine is a controversial topic. More controversial than I was expecting. some say it's in Kansas, Some say Missouri or Minnesota. No one in the great state of Illinois claims to have the worlds largest ball of twine. They do claim that there once was a giant there, and that he died from a blister on his toe.
Caffeine Bomb by the Wildhearts
Who would have thought that a group of young men from the fine and noble town of Newcastle Upon Tyne would grow up to sing about being massively hungover and then drinking yet more alcohol. In Newcastle the police helicopters have NUT-PD written on the side of them and Jimmy Nail is allowed to sleep with any woman he wants.
'200 Solemn Faces' by Ben Fold's Five
What you hear on the tape is the beginning and the end of the live version... with the studio version in the middle.
Basically because the live version isn't as good.
This is a great song. It catalogs most of the reasons I got into broadcasting in the first place. So to all of ya'll who graduated Fairfield in 1995 you can kiss my beans goodbye, I'm on community radio now, I've hit the big time baby, I need a drink.
'Testify' by The Red Hot Chile Peppers
From a time when the Chile's could still make a song that stank of sweat and beer.
The movie I refer to on the show is this one. I guess it stuck in my head because I was about six when it came out and it was the first time I saw and old man punch a guy in order to impress a hooker. I also like how badly the sound was done on that movie, how obvious it is that the music was put on later, how what you are watching is a room full of wannabees trying desperately to dance to the silence of their own forgotten lives.
Goodnight.
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