43: The Quantum Conundrum

I remember the first time I saw the snow. It was 1989 and I was nine years old. My parents had left me alone in the house because they wanted to go to swingers party and figured I'd just get in the way.
I got bored of the television around 2am and wandered outside into the street. Despite the sound of distant sirens, I remember being filled up by a sense of calm. In the pale glow of the street-light even the concrete seemed soft. Blanketed in sheets of white, the perennial piles of rotting garbage looking somehow clean, perhaps even... forgiven.
For just one night. My hellish life in the city lost its cynical edge. 

By morning the snow had turned to a rancid brown sludge and a few doors down there was a gap with a cherry red smear around the edges. It turned out that, that was where a gang of kids had beat a hobo half to death. They probably would have killed him if my parents hadn't interrupted them.

I learned that night that nothing gets corrupted faster or more thoroughly than virgin snow on the blood red streets of the city. Not even you.

In order to listen to this weeks thrilling episode of the ETP, press...

PLAY


Track Listings

'Denise' by Fountains of Wayne
Some people might describe an unpaid weekly podcast/blog combo as little more than a pointless vanity project. Looking at my/our listening figures it is difficult for me/us to argue against them. In my/our defence I would like to point out that if I/we can make just one person think that I/we am/are cooler than I/we really am/are, then I think that I/we can chalk that one down as a win for vanity. The truth is that by getting my/our shit together and turning up on a semi-weekly basis I/we have proved that I/we am/are better than you pigs.


'Tommy C' by Dan Le Sac and Scroobius Pip
I'm/We're really sorry I/we just called you all pigs. You are not pigs. A lot of you are sexy/independent women. Some of you are hairless and capable men. By making the choice to both tune in and download the programme, you have transcended the porcine aspects of your character and joined the ranks of the enlightened. Come, join hands with me/us and let us all ride together on this new and exciting plane of existence. Together/alone, brethren,  I/we shall complain loudly about how Dan Le Sac and Scroobius Pip, although highly capable, will never quite match the potential they displayed in that 'Thou shalt always kill' video on Youtube.


'Oh My God' By Ida Maria
What the hell is it that you people want from me/us? Why don't you go and record your own stupid show and leave me/us alone? Sometimes I/we think about buying a gun and moving to the middle of a national park. I/we want to go a live the life of a bear. I/we want to stride through the open countryside with my/our cubs in tow. I/we want nothing more than enough protein to get through the harsh Yellowstone winter.  I/we want to have my/our image captured by a photographer from National Geographic as I/we stand proud and naked upon a prominence above a crystal blue lake.

See below for detail

'Rock for Sustainable Capitalism' Propagandhi
I/we guess our/my desire to be photographed, reveals the fact that I/we really do need the love and adulation of my/our fellow man/lady. I/we would be lost without the proximity and praise of you the warm-bodied listener. Perhaps in the future I/we will have an army of robotic fans to mob and molest me/us in the street. Until that time comes I/we have you. Thank-you for tuning in. I/we really mean that. Without you the show would be nothing.

'Long Time' by Cake
 'Fame is fleeting', said Oscar Wild, 'but obscurity is forever'
'Forever is a mighty long time', said Prince, desperately hoping that no-one would notice he was taking himself far too seriously.

You like Prince don't you. You're willing to forgive his occasional forays into nobbishness and even his last three albums if it gives you the chance to bask in the light of his reflected purple glory. You really are a massive idiot. Only you're best friend would tell you... but you are.

'Looking for my Leopard' by Seven Seconds of Love 
When I/we say 'you'... I/we don't mean you. How could I/we possibly mean you. I/we don't even know you. Probably. You could be Brian Cox for all I/we know. You could be Justin Lee Collins. You could be a contender for gods sake. 
Just who do I/we mean when I/we say you then?
Probably me/us. That's who I/we are really talking about here. At heart I/we am/are a/all Fanboy/Fanboys. Surely there is nothing wrong with having heroes. Surely that deserves to be forgiven, perhaps even encouraged.

'Breaking the Girl' by The Red Hot Chilly Peppers

See... look... Erotic Toast... get it!

Flea plays the flute on this track. That doesn't sit well in your mind with your image of Flea, the muscular Bass player with the fixed speed-head grin and outlandish tatoos. When you think of the flute you imagine polished public school girls pursing their lips. You imagine Ron Burgundy popping his head under the toilet door. This new contradiction introduces you/us to a new and interesting quatum state of mind where flea can exist on both Bass Guitar and the Flute at the same time. I/we are betting that this is more than your monkey brain can handle. Unless of course you/we are professor Brian Cox.

'Thinking about You' by Radiohead
Damn you/us Brian Cox, Damn you/us to hell.  I/we are going to the bathroom. I/we are typing this message. I/we are out eating a meal with my/our cousin because it's his/your birthday.
What time is it?
It's that time of day when my/our wife gets home and wonders why we/you haven't done any washing up yet. I/we will tell you/us what time it is/isn't. It's time for me/us/you to go.

Goodnight.

42: A plague on both your houses!

I was pretty sick when we recorded this show. I'm all better now. Sometimes when you have a near death experience like that your whole life flashes before your eyes... This is one of those times. I know I bullshit a lot but all of these are true.

To hear this episode (which mostly consists of me coughing...)  press

PLAY

Track Listings

 '2nd Sucks' by A day to Remember
Memory one... it's sports day and in order to make myself run faster I have bought myself a Mars Milkshake drink. I am pretty quick for a short kid and manage a half decent time in the 100 meters. Then I heave over and puke that milkshake all over the floor.

'I Could Never Break Your Heart' by Fol Chen
Memory two. I am on a German exchange programme. I am 14 years old and wandering around a zoo in Hamburg with a kid called Gavin from Weston super Mare. Before we went to the zoo we had been to visit the Burgermeister  (Mayor). There had been a hospitality table with free cokes and I'd loaded up on that shit. Now, back at the Zoo, I badly need to piss but all the signs are in German and to make matters worse they seem to lead me on a route that goes all the way around the damn zoo before going anywhere near a urinal. To cut a long story short, somewhere near the Penguins I piss myself. Gavin and I walk around until my trousers dry off. Then we get back on the bus with all the other kids and go back to the hotel.

'Side projects are never successful' by Bomb the Music Industry 
Memory three. Despite a crippling lack of talent my mum is convinced I can follow in her footsteps and play in an orchestra, she plays the cello (so does my sister) and I play violin. I fail the audition but they let me in anyway because mum is one of the teachers and they are worried that if none of her kids are involved she will stop volunteering her weekends and they will have to find a new cello coach.
I am a fourth row second violin. I am mostly lost and holding the bow above the strings so that I don't mess thing up for my mum by actually making any noise.

Sometimes we play a piece called 'Andrews piece.' All I know is that I like it and it's by one of the kids in the orchestra. I assume one of the soloists or  front row 1st's.  There is another kid in my row called 'Scabby' he stinks like a tramp and is badly bullied. Word is he'll do anything for half a chew-it. I find out weeks later that he is Andrew. The contradiction blows my mind.


'Highways' By Joe Purdey 
Memory Four. It's the last year of GCSE's I am reeling from the fact that my parents have finally divorced. My sister is dating a psycho boxer and I am getting regularly beaten up in the street, (mostly for being small, white and confused).

I decide that talking is over rated and that it's easier to get through school if I just stop. I don't say another word for two months. On my last day a group of kids tells me that they are going to gather in the stairwell to beat me up when the bell goes. I don't even try and avoid them. I just walk right over and let them do it. After a while they get bored and I walk home.

'Hands down' by Dashboard confessional
Memory Five. I am standing with my old best friend at the top of a hill called 'Dangerous Hill' We are looking at the view of the city. In that moment we are in love with the city. We love the reality of it. The ugly beauty. This city of tiny lights is spread out in front of us like a mirror image of the milky-way. In my mind each one of those lights represents another human being, another life, another perspective on the unknowable nature of the universe.

Years later I try and skateboard down dangerous hill and bust up my ankle pretty bad. Guess I should have taken more heed of the name.

'I walked' Sufjan Stevens 
Memory Six. I am sixteen and living in rural Wales. My route home takes me past some crazy ass one-eyed farm-dogs that like to chase cars. Usually one of my step brothers is with me but today I am on my own. The dogs look at me. I look at them. They bare their teeth and growl. I decide to go around the block to avoid them. It turns out that 'Around the block' is about five miles, this is the trouble with applying urban logic to a rural problem.

'In the Offing' by Worn in Red 
Memory Seven. I am 11 years old and lying on a beach, everyone else is body-boarding later on I will have a go and realize how fun it is but right now I think it looks silly, cold and dangerous. I am next to a four month old baby who is playing with some pebbles. Just as I am drifting off into a day dream the kid picks up a rock and smashes it into my head. It doesn't break the skin but it hurts like hell huge lump comes up like in a cartoon. The baby laughs and laughs.
 
'Walkin' by My Morning Jacket
Memory Eight. I am thirty years old and I'm not happy about it. My cousin has just died in an avalanche on Ben Nevis. the dude was amazing. Pure smile, muscle and heart and now I'm off to his funeral.  There is snow all over the road and in order to get my car out I am having scrape it off the road with a shovel and lay a trail of rock salt that some guy has brought out from his house. I hate snow is a way that I never thought I would.

Goodnight. 

41: Lets Get Naked... Together!

No one has contacted us with requests for naked photographs, either separately or together.  If you would like naked pictures and have been desperately trying to get in touch with us we can only apologise. Perhaps you have written the email address down wrong or something. The email to remember is DannAndMatt@BCFM.org.uk or call us on the usual number. either before, after or during the programme, which incidentally you can listen to or download (right click save link as)...by pressing

PLAY

Time for the...

Track Listings

'Escape from the Killing Fields' by Ice T
Escaping from killing fields is a lot more difficult if you are naked. First of all there tends to be mud and broken glass and stuff under foot. Second, you are super conspicuous and third, if nothing else, you really want to be wearing some kind of body armour in that kind of situation.
Little known fact: In the original draft of 'Die Hard' John McClane was naked and had a pathological condition that left him extremely turned-on by gun play. 


'Web in Front' by The Archers of Loaf
In the early 90's we ran out of band names and just started sticking random words together. The name of the song come from instructions yelled to Spiderman during an episode of the comic where he found himself naked, surrounded by mirror images of the green goblin and temporarily blinded by the faeces of a rhesus makak. This track is taken from the album 'Give him the bread fist!'   

'Fighting Trousers' by Professor Elemental
Steam. Hot water. Excited molecules released from the stifling bounds of electro-magnetic attraction.  Punk. Angry Teens. Excited pustules of hormonal interaction released from the bonds of societal expectation. Is it any wonder that the two of them would get together one day? Let me also add that the Professor is clearly naked at the beginning of this song. Naked and not alone.

For your consideration...
Mr B VS Professor Elemental
For a fair comparison you really ought to watch this too.


'Pink Roses' by GlassJaw
I'm just going to come out and say it. He's talking about labia right? I could be wrong. Maybe I've got the heating on too high and it's stopped my brain from functioning correctly. Maybe since I've been sitting here naked and surfing the internet for three solid days, I've lost all sense of what is beautiful in the world. Pink Roses.  


'Papa Was a Rodeo' by Magnetic Fields
Magnetism is difficult to explain, but not as difficult as this.
I love this song. It's sweet it's funny. It's about that all American pioneer/rodeo spirit. It's about a belly full of stims and a 4 hour deadline that's 8 hours and two states away. It's about adult nappies and the feel of skin on leather after 1600 miles in the same bucket seat.

Not everyone is called to drive the big rigs, but those that are, are owed a debt of gratitude.

'Ahh Men' by Say Anything
'Sea Men.' HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AH AHA HA AHA A. Or not. Matt asked me what I thought this song was about. I said it sounded like he was staring out of the tour bus window and 'feeling a bit religious.' Matt looked at me with scorn, he didn't like the glib simplicity of my reply. He wanted something more thought out. True story.
Let me ask you something... Is it easier to be closer to god if we don't allow our clothes to get in the way? Perhaps it is. Perhaps combined with Nelly this is the central message of global warming.

'Too Much' by Sufjan Stevens
I have already spent too much time writing up this weeks offering. I was supposed to go swimming hours ago. I should be showering off right now, I should be facing that particularly English issue of if it's OK or not to remove ones swimming trunks in the presence of strangers. Instead I am still here, still typing. Nude

'Sort of Like Being Pumped' By Bomb the Music Industry
I'm gonna give you the naked truth on this one. I don't think that the title of this song is an allegory to sex. It seems to be about being inside a train. Which is kind of like being water inside a pump. i think that's the connection. If you don't believe me here are the lyrics.  Goodnight, 

40: The Sexual Bread Project (featuring special guest Dann Casswell}

Heeeeyyy! I'm drinking kworfee here! What's that, bub? Yeah, I got yer latest ETP right here, pal!

Just press

 PLAY


So Dann got fired. It was bound to happen sooner or later, and at least it wasn't for sexual misconduct with the cleaner. So I had to do this show by myself. Luckily, I had on hand a special guest I could rope in for co-presenting duties. Unfortunately, it was Dann.

'Duel of the Iron Mic' by The Gza and the Wu Tang Clan
Seriously, he pronounces his name 'the jizzer'? That boy has issues.

'Shock and Awe' and 'I'm Losing Weight for You' by You Me and Everyone We Know
I've never seen the film. Dann keeps making jokes about it and I never get them. I feel so alone.

i'm bored now so this is all you're getting. if you want write ups from someone who doesnt have ADHD  you better re-hire Dann.

coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee,

'Comfort Eagle' by Cake
coffee Eagle,

'Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want' performed by The Deftones originally by The Smiths 
coffee,  is what I want.


'Start Wearing Purple' by Gogol Bordello
coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee,

'Even When I'm Winning, I Feel Bad' by Bomb The Music Industry!
coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee,

'Virginia Moon' by Nora Jones and Dave Grohl
coffee,  coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, (they totally did it) coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee,



'Icicle' by Tori Amos
coffee,  coffee, Filth, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, hot hot filthy hot coffee.
 

Bad is good baby, down with government!

Matt has Left the building.

Goodnight!

39: Pride and Prostate Manipulation for Pleasure (The Unholy Alliance Special)

Matt turned up at the studio as usual with his box of CD's and a vaguely sarcastic expression on his face. Matt likes to complain about the government, (but he is in no position to run for office.)  I was ignoring him whilst busily imagining a world where Lassie is played by two midgets in a pantomime dog.  That's when it hit me.: The two of us are like fire and ice and yet most of the time we get on pretty well. It works for us... so why not the whole programme. With this in mind we set about searching the universe for other unlikely/ungodly collaborations. you can listen to the results of our research by pressing...

PLAY

Really we should have looked at how badly the coalition is doing and known better. Now that I think about it, that might have been what Matt was bitching about.

Enough Jibber Jabber on with the

TRACK LISTINGS


'Take Me Home' by Phil Collins and Bone Thugz n' Harmony
The main problem with this episode becomes obvious as soon as this starts playing. Most of these tracks are major balls.  At least 50% of the show is music, which means both Matt and I are going to have to be 50% less balls in our segments, in order to prevent ourselves from getting fired. a task we're sadly not up to.


'Where The Wild Roses Grow' by Nick Cave and Kyle Minogue
 Kyle Minogue.  Lust goblin of the parched and arid Outback. Picture her now being harassed by the ghost of Steve Irwin... Careful Steve... Go for the hair!!

Should you encounter Kyle in the wild, the important thing is to not look in her eyes... Don't let her get into your head, be aware that she can spin around at great speed, and that here bite has the force of a full speed locomotion.


'Cruising Together' Gwyneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis
Cruising, or kerb crawling as it is otherwise known is a popular way for celebrities to spice up their relationships. And a useful source of ghetto income.

'Go Ask Shakespeare' sung by  Ruffus Wainright written by Burt Bacherach produced by Dr Dre 
Man this track was dull... and typical of Ruffus's typically dull body of dull ass work. It doesn't help that it takes a full month to get going and that when it does it's difficult to tell that it has. 1 star. even though I picked it. Respect to Dre... who may or may not have been involved.

'The Justified Ancients of Moo Moo' by The KLF Featuring Tammy Winnette
Dr Dre certainly had F all to do with this track by the KLF. Originally called Ken Livingstone's Fish, the KLF brand of self-indulgent electro pop once offered a less camp alternative to the petshop boys. Those days are gone now as we have the Postal Service to fill that role. Still they were quite cool as people. 


'Ebony and Ivory' by Paul Mcartney and Stevie Wonder 
This is all I have to say about this.



'The Heart Gently Weeps' Wu Tang Clan feat. Dhani Harrison, Erykah Badu, John Frusciante
This track was the best one on the whole show and listening to it back it's not even that good. We don't even play the whole thing. What the hell is wrong with us. It really is only a matter of time before we get fired.



'Little Drummer Boy' Sung by David Bowie and Bing Crosby
'shit sandwich'


Merry Christmas everybody!

38: Whistling Dixie

Right now on a dark matter planet bouncing around in the Alpha-Centaurian star system a pair of young lovers are lying together in the back of a flat bed truck looking up at the night sky. The boy, who knows a little bit about astronomy, points to one of their brightest stars.  He tells his girl about that little yellow sun, he tells her that that despite it's small size, it meagre gravity clings to a number of planets and that one of those planets is not to hot and not too cold and that maybe, just maybe, there's a strange man with a charity moustache living on that planet and writing the story of their love on the internet.

The two of them look at our sun in silence... Then the boy begins to whistle while the girl accompanies him on the Ukulele, for on the goldilocks planet of Alpha Centauri, this is how baby's are made.


Join us now in praising the space-baby by clicking on the link provided...

PLAY


TRACK LISTINGS

'Me and Julio Down by The School Yard' performed by Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies, originally by Paul Simon
 It is well known that the Space Baby loves Whistlin' Whittlin' and Whishin'. He hates Fistin' Fishin' Fission. Which is understandable really.

'Centerfold' by the J. Geils Band
It's a little known fact that Matt Setback was raised by whales. Having been abandoned at sea by irresponsible pirates, these majestic kings of the sea took pity on him and allowed him to suckle their nourishing blubbery milk. Matt grew stronger as the years went by, but always wondered why he was smaller and less aerodynamic than the other kids. Then he came across a copy of playboy took one look at the centrefold and realised there had been some kind of a mix up.


'Mary Melody' by the Mad Caddies
Neither Matt nor myself can whistle. We are in awe of those that can. I am also impressed by people that can pick up girls in bars, do proper handbrake turns and, of course, park their cars in really tight spaces.

'Coming Home,  Left my Broken Heart in Carolina' by Weezer
 (Yes this song really is by Weezer)


'Sitting on the Dock of the Bay' Performed by Pearl Jam, originally by Otis Reading
Otis Reading originally planned to write lyrics for the whistling section of this song, but sadly he died in a plane crash before he got the chance. I like to imagine that perhaps, he got the inspiration he was looking for just moments before his plane went down. I like to imagine that they were scribbled on a napkin that once the explosions were over eventually floated down to earth and became the inspiration for this song.


'Young Folks' by Peter, Byorn and John
I like this version of this song, but sadly it doesn't have any whistling in it. Matt seems convinced that this song, 'was only written so that it could be on an advert' I think that in his thick skinned baleen cynicism he has seriously missed out on the basic truth of artistic endeavour.  No one thinks that way Matt. People make music they love. Some tracks end up on adverts. This is the way of things.


 'My Girlfriends Dead' by the Vandals
The Vandals were an East Germanic tribe that entered the late Roman Empire during the 5th century, perhaps best known for their sack of Rome in 455. Although they were not notably more destructive than other invaders of ancient times, Renaissance and Early Modern writers who idealized Rome tended to blame the Vandals for its destruction. This led to the coinage of "vandalism", meaning senseless destruction, particularly the defacing of artworks that were completed with great effort.


'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life' by Monty Python
Philosophical pessimism is the similar but not identical idea that life has a negative value, or that this world is as bad as it could possibly be.  Pessimism is not a disposition as the term commonly connotes. Instead, it is a cogent philosophy that directly challenges the notion of progress and what may be considered the faith-based claims of optimism. Still, mustn't grumble.



Goodnight!

37: Amature Hour

What if for just one year, soap operas stopped presenting Christmas as some kind of hellish festival of domestic violence and inter-familiar aggression? what if they decided to do Christmas like the movies do it? Why not have a character we are all rooting for face insurmountable odds and overcome them, armed with nothing but the miracle of human kindness?


Could not a child make a wish? Could that wish not come true..? Could I please be that child?


If I was in charge of Eastenders, all the dogs would talk and every twenty minutes the humans would burst into song. 

Sadly I'm not in charge of Eastenders... 


Instead I chose to waste my life by working for a living and co-hosting (for free)  a radio show that precludes me from ever getting a proper job in broadcasting. If you want to listen to this latest career mistake then click... 

Here

TRACK LISTINGS

'Rent a Cop' By Ben Folds
At the age of 26, I defeated 10'000 applicants to get myself an interview for a trainee writer position for BBC Teens. If I had got that job I would have moved to London, would have excelled as a writer and would probably have my own series by now. Sadly I got crazy nervous and badly screwed up the interview. Oddly enough I still believed I had done pretty well all things considered and that it was just a matter of time before my obvious talent was discovered.



'Miles Davis and the Cool' by Gas Light Anthem
A little later on I got another interview for a job as a development researcher for television drama. Had I got that job I would have spent all day reading scripts, assessing them for feasibility and artistic merit. I would be an expert in commissioning television drama by now and would have a healthy bank balance and a back-catalogue of my own commissioned work to boot.
I stupidly told the interview panel I had 'no idea about broadcasting guidelines, but learn things really really fast'. They gave the job to a guy with one arm. I couldn't really argue with that.



'Lullaby (Divorce Song)' by Steven Lynch 
By now I actually do have a back catalogue, but mostly it's of half formed ideas on scraps of note paper, and word documents with weird names that I don't really remember writing. That and a pile of failed application forms and cover letters to agents, production companies and magazines that either never got back to me or replied in the negative. I'm still not totally sure what I'm doing wrong.



'Christina, She Don't Know That  I Exist' by Street Light Manifesto
I have had some mild success... I've had a couple of stories read on Radio 4... I've written a few scripts. One of them got through to the second round of the writers room. That was a bitter sweet email of feedback...  I haven't written another script since I got that letter. I'm not really sure why.


'C.R.E.A.M (Cash Rules Everything Around Me)' by The Wu Tang Clan
I spend a lot of my time working to get money. I spend a lot of my money travelling to get to work. It's a crazy situation but there just doesn't seem to be any way out of it. Just one of those things I guess. Still at least I have a Job.


'Justified Black Eye' by No Use For a Name
Every year I set myself goals, then I blink and it's over and I'm another year older and I still haven't written that novel. I'm 31 now. I cried a lot around my birthday. I cried over movies, I cried over songs in the car... I cried about everything.


'Old School' by  DangerDoom
So maybe I'm not the genius I thought I was when I was at Uni. Maybe I'm one of those failed ass writers I used to laugh and point at. 'I'll never be like you' I said... 'I'm too fucking talented, too full of ideas'. Perhaps it would be closer to the truth to say I am too lazy and too easily distracted to make it in the real world. I guess the important this is not to be bitter about the whole thing.


Today's Empires, Tomorrow's Ashes' by Propergandhi
There must be more of me out there. A legion of also-rans with a draw full of scripts and a few short films bouncing around on their hard-drives and taking up space. There must be a billion stubble-faced 30 somethings bitching lyrical about their bum luck on some blog that nobody reads.
 Sometimes at night I can hear them all shuffling to refrigerator for a late night stack, getting slowly fatter and wondering where it all went wrong.
Maybe we should start some sort of club.
A support group maybe...
With a witty name. 
Maybe not.

This year, for Christmas I'm not writing any goals. This year I'm just asking for a miracle.