32: The Blackholes of Texus

What do you want to talk about. I want to talk about the Large Haydron Collider. Sadly neither of us is professor Brian Cox. Unless, like, through some weird quirk of fate Brian Cox is reading this. In which case... Hello Brian,  welcome to the Erotic Toast Project...  this must be pretty weird for you. Thanks for tuning in.

You can listen to this episode

Here
 
I'm not going to talk about the large Haydron Collider... Apparently I'm just going to go off on a massive rant about post-modernism that ultimately does little but expand upon the lyrics to Earth Song by the late Michael Jackson.

TRACK LISTINGS


'I Want So Hard' by The Eagles of Deathmetal
One of the well publicised but totally unattempted problems of post modernity is Drama school culture.  The view that we have been brainwashed into believing that Wanting and Working are synonymous that if we want it hard enough we can have it. I don't think that people actually think this. I think we all work really hard.  There is just a lot of people who want to be entertainment superstars.

'It Don't Move Me' by Peter,  Bjorn and John.
The reason is this... we used to have progress we could believe in. We did things for the greater good, to work towards 'an end to war/poverty/disease'. We believed that these were both achievable and desirable goals and people were happy to be part of that. We made predictions of what was to come like Star Trek and all those adverts for the future with the assured sounding Mid-Western narrators that told us about flying cars and push button homes. Most of us didn't need or want to be on telly then... we were happy to be a small but vital cog in the benevolent machine of progress. Sadly we lost faith in this machine.


'Palo Alto' by Radiohead
Here's part of the reason why: progress was too successful for it's own good. Like a particle gaining mass as it approaches the speed of light, as we got closer and closer to achieving the goals we set ourselves, we found that our partial success had caused yet more complex and dangerous problems. Victory over disease leads to massive global overpopulation, progress of science leads to nuclear weapons, the war on poverty and 'inconvenience' leads to horrifying environmental consequences...

Casimir Pulaski Day by Sufjan Stevens
Here's another reason why: In order for us to make 'Progress' we had to abandon what we had before, which was knowledge passed down from the past. Where we had faith in our elders, our traditions and ultimately an immortal god that had been there since the very beginning, in its place we had empirical scientific analysis in all areas of human life and faith in new knowledge and a brighter future. People miss the things they have had to give up along the way, the morality, authority and sense of community. They feel that they are missing something from there lives... disrespecting those that went before. Dancing on their grandparent graves if you will.


'Pantera Fans in Love' by Nerf Herder
 As faith in the great machine of progress collapses, people are not only not content that they are living worthwhile lives just by taking part, but actively feel bad about taking part at all. In to the world comes the creeping feeling that by working for, or investing in, big oil or some other massively corporate entity you are similar to a pre-second world war German, passively collaborating in some horrific and evil crime against nature.

DANN'S SIXTH FORM SONG
'1979' By Smashing Pumpkins
Some rage against the system that pays either their wages or their dole cheque. They fight for any cause that will have them,  Some give up on the whole thing, disaffected they waste their lives on recreational drug use, world of war craft and DJ hero.  The rich seek validation in expensive and dangerous hobbies, mountain climbing and extreme sports. They conquer peaks and put the pictures on their bedroom walls.

'When Life Gives You Lemons' by Atmosphere
What they all have in common is that they are now defining themselves by what they do in their free time. People no longer wish to define themselves though the work that they do. They want to feel as separate from it as possible. They look for things to do in their free time that will give them a long missing sense of achievement.


'Ready for Anything' by Patrick Alexander
Everyone likes to sing and dance in one form or another, it's easy and it's free.  I think where I am going with this, the ultimate truth I am going for...  is that I want to be Ghengis Kahn. I am interested in meeting anyone that will at least pretend that I am Ghengis Kahn and I will pay good money for them to do so.

Ghengis Kahn  was the biggest super star of them all...

31: The City of Brotherly Love.

This episode features the irascible Chris... (the wiggler)

Since I didn't actually get to choose any of the music, rather than discuss the tracks as normal, I am just going to give you top ten (8) list of top ten lists. I hope you understand.

(as always you can listen to the show here)

HERE


TRACK LISTINGS


'Down this Road' by Zero Down
Top ten awkward things to read on a crowded train...

10. Coping with Rabies-a Practical Guide
9. The Erotic Adventures of Ivor the Engine.
8.The Art of Non-Consensual Frottage.
7. The Joy of Non-Consensual Frottage.
6. Violent Non-Consensual Frottage for Dummies.
5. Hot Hot Frottage on the Orient Express.
4. How to Meet Girls on the Train and then Bone Them and Dump Them
3. Thomas the Tank Engine does Dallas
2. Forest Gump (The Novel.)
1. The Da Vinci Code.



'Lost in Hollywood' by System of a Down
Top ten peices of mud to sling at a political opponent.
10.You have misfiled you accounts for the previous fiscal year.
9. You take bribes
8. You have sex with hookers
7. You have sex with hookers... as bribes.
6. You have sex with coked up Nazi midget hookers.
5. You feed their breast milk to our kids...
4. You want to build a duckpond
3. You are your own evil twin and you killed the good twin that everybody previously loved.
2. Your mum is fat and cheap.
1. U. G. L. Y. you aint got no alibi you ugly!


Laugh Learn' by Sekura Drops (From the album Painted legs on a Snake.)
Top thing things not to get a tattoo of...
10. A tattoo artist doing a tattoo of a tattoo artist of a tattoo artist doing a tattoo of a...
9. A tattoo of a dog doing a dog doing a dog doing a...
8.TATU
7. One of those belly button cat's bum things that people get
6. Any x factor contestant living or dead.
5. Five Boy-scouts nude from the waist down (with woggles and neckerchiefs possibly doing the scout salute)
4. Same as 5 but with Hitler Youth instead
3. Forest Gump (The Novel)
2. A 'to do' list of people you work with with a large number of them crossed out.
1. Prison Blueprints.


!!!DANN'S SIXTH FORM SONG!!!
'Say it Aint So' by Weezer

Top ten things not to do before you die
10. Sleep with a close relative
9. Read The Da Vinci Code/ Forest Gump (The Novel)
8. Get a tattoo of anything from the last list
7. Kill a man in Reno... just to watch him die.
6. Taxidermy
5. Build your own twisted-ass rape bot
4. Memorise 'Tango and Cash' (the movie)
3. Win at Dwarf Fortress
2. Watch all of Prison Break
1. Hold the no.1 score on any browser based flash game.


'Epic Fail' by The 80's Matchbox Bee Line Disaster
Stupid exclusive US only Content.
jerks.


'Dig for Fire' by The Pixies
Top ten mythical beasts.

10. The Manitcore
9. Henry Rollins
8. Pea Tear Griffin
7. People with one big foot that they use as a sunshade
6. The Dogheads
5. Fernando Torres
4. The Crockadoodle Piggy
3. Matt Setback
2. Cannibalistic Nazi sex Midgets
1. Johnny Turntables


'Shame in your Game' by The Beastie Boys
Top Ten highest-scoring, possible boggle words.(oddly enough this is almost idential to the top ten words least used in Hip Hop/Rap-Metal)

10. Aeronomist
9. Clarinettist
8. Deadenings
7. Retinalites
6. Retransmitted
5. Romanticall
4. Saginating
3. Tsigane
2. Tantaliser
1. Testicles


'I Can See Clearly Now' by Snuff (originally by Johnny Nash)
Top ten words that remind me of sausages
10. Corsage
9. Sauce
8. Tauper
6. Sharp-edges
5. Forage
4. Dachshund
3. Bromance
2. Sizzling
1. Forest Gump (The Novel)



'Theme from Midnight Cowboy' by Faith No More, Wait... NO!
'I Started a Joke' by Faith No More
Top ten numbers from 1 to 10


10. Nine
9. Seven
8. Two
7. One
6. Four
5. Three
4. Five
3. Six
2. Eight
1. Seven of Nine

30: BOOM BOOM BOOM (I want you in my room)

This Episode involves a short excerpt from our unpublished BBC 4 Documentary on the History of Jazz. You can attempt to enjoy our new direction...

HERE

The whole thing was a bit of a disaster and half of it is missing. You might as well watch This instead.

Track Listings (write ups by Matt Setback)

'Straight No Chaser' by Thelonious Monk

Hear exciting and possibly libellous facts about Mr T Monk!

'Prisencoli Nensianciusol' by Adriano Celentano  
Wow, we spelt this guy's name so wrong. Like, so wrong. Have you seen Blackadder's Christmas Carol? At one point Baldrick writes 'Christmas' and gets every letter wrong. That's pretty much how wrong we were. Also, his name is in black. I can't figure out to how change it. Um. (Dann: I have changed it)

'Song of a Gun' by Nirvana
Irrefutable proof that more than two chords is just wasteful!

 
'Ruthy Lingle' by 16 Horse Power

Varmit/Varmint HUMBOLT SQUID! Humbolt Squid
Mmmm. Links...  Dann's far better at understanding these links than me. You should check out that Alex Riley stuff though, he's pretty good. Like Mark Thomas crossed with Louie Theroux. Though I am possibly overselling it now. (Dann: I have added a link...)

'Hey Johnny Park' by Foo Fighters

Remember when Foo Fighters were good? It was so long ago now. I'm sure they were, I'm sure of it. I just... can't remember that far back. Sigh. Yeah, no humour from me, just elitist bitching. That's how I roll.

...

The second half of this episode was somehow lost... We are working on getting it back. 

Give me some time.

Missing songs include...

DANN'S SIXTH FORM SONG!
Girl from Mars, by Ash

Ah, you'll have heard it before anyway. If not, go Spotify up some Ash, you young whippersnapper.

'Nighty Night' by Jenny Owen Young

I think this was good. Shame it's been lost in the bowels of some unsayable media giant's cavernous computer systems. (Dann: I'm actually going to put a link to something else here... something I wanted to play but couldn't for obvious, 'I didn't have the clean version' reasons.)

and another one from Matt I guess.
I guess. Cheers.

AND THAT'S IT!

29: Matt calls in sick

Glen. An Enigma Wrapped in a riddle. Tied up in a quandary, drizzled with questions and sprinkled with the essence of an unknown quantity. This week, he joins me in the hot seat where Matt usually sits. You know I should really ask him if he want's to 'guest write' this write-up... hold on I'll call him now... Glen agreed.

HERE

Track Listings


'Black Balloon' by the Goo Goo Dolls
Matt loved the Goo Goo Dolls when they were young and punk. I love them now they're aging and mainstream. I guess that means I have questionable tastes. Not to be confused with questionable morals, that would be the ladies you find drunk in lidal car park at 3.40am. On a Tuesday.

'Armstrong's Line' Half Handed Cloud
Half handed cloud come from the Asthmatic Kitty label of which Dann is quite the fan. The band get their name from an event in the Old Testament, which is from a bestseller called The Bible, apparently some kind of human spirtual instructional manual. I read some of it to prepare for these notes, and between what I read and that fact that the label's name promotes poor cat health, I have concluded that the darkness I only previously sensed within Dann is, in fact, a worryingly palpable force bubbling a fiction of a inch beneath his calm visage.

'Kiss the Bottle' by Foo Fighters
A song about drinking. I like a drink. Everyone likes a drink. Shut up, I do what I want.

'Lesley-Anne Lavine' by The Decemberists
Tradionally, December is a month for many popular holidays. Perhaps the most famous holiday to occur in this month is Sinterklaas, celebrating Saint Nicholas, the patron saint of Amsterdam, children and sailors. Believe.

'Circles' by The Remnants
The Remnants are a local Bristol band that everyone likes. They have a breezy, punk rock style that makes people happy. Circles is a short song. Made by good hearted boys.


DANN'S SIXTH FORM SONG!
'Song Two' By Blur 
Dann, like many of us, finds it a shocking blow when younger people have a different reaction to his own generational soundtracks. We've all been there. Unless you haven't: in which case, you're up far past your bedtime, you cheeky little rugratter you.

'Hit Me' by Uncle (featuring Gavin Clarke)
Used over the end credits to X Files 2, this rocker from Uncle features Gavin Clarke. Some of the unusual sounds in the track were created by a variation of silly putty and dimes tucked in between and over the strings of the piano. Dimes are worth 10 cents. Can't get nothin' for that.

"Atomic Moog 2000" (The Bomb - Luke Vibert Mix)  Originally by Coldcut
 (WEIRDLY THE SECOND PART OF THIS TRACK HAS DISAPPEARED DURING CONVERSION SO I AM JUST GOING TO LINK TO IT ON YOUTUBE.  BASTARDS.)
Dann searched long and hard to find this track. He ended up paying quite the sum of money for it too, quite admirable in this age of the naughty download. I gave it a couple of token searches on wikipedia and then made tea. I do like the bit in the middle though. You'll know what I mean.

28: Return of the Matt

Due to the wobbly nature of time. Matt will actually return this week: the week before he goes away. It's a Dr Who/Gilbert and Sulivan-esque Paradox of biblical proportions.  Before we really get started on this one I for one would like to apologise ahead of time for whatever spews forth from my brain. I have been eating a lot of chocolate covered coffee beans and would describe my current status as 'seriously wired'. Here's hoping for the best.

As always you can hear this thrilling instalment of the ETP...

HERE

TRACK LISTING

'I Wanna Do Bad Things With You' by Chase Everett
Chase Everett. A man. A legend. A dream of American freedom. A naked moonlight walk on the prairies of yore. The drifting spirit of a union soldier passing through the concrete walls of office blocks and malls built large on the fields of Gettysburg. A mysterious smell in the back of your car. A lost raccoon in an oversize Stetson hat. The guy that did the title music for True Blood.

'Pretty Good Year' by Tori Amos

Tori Amos once peed on my leg but that's a story for another time. For now I'd like to talk about her flaming red hair. Mostly because it reminds me of Amy Pond. Beautiful time travelling Amy who every night in my dreams sits beside me as I drive and slowly runs her hand up the inside of my thigh.

'Let's Go Surfing' by The Drums
Matt and I seem to be drifting towards surf rock. I used to go surfing when I was a kid. I guess it was a cheap family holiday. Camp down in Bude and surf the mighty one and a half foot breaks of the  Atlantic Cornish coast. I remember the day I decided to give it up. I was sitting on my board, just out of the breaking zone, waiting for a ripple worth riding to come my way and it started hailing. As the ice fell from the sky, I remember thinking... 'Seriously dude, either move to California... or find some other way to spend your time because this is just stupid.'

'Suffocation' by Against Me

Divers report feelings of extreme euphoria when their breathing equipment packs up and they start to suffer from nitrogen narcosis. Swingers and perverts strangle each other to reach the ultimate sexual high. Kids seem obsessed with sticking plastic bags over their heads at every available opportunity. Do I have to go round door to door and tell everyone in the world to stop being stupid? Sometimes I feel like that might be the only thing left in the world that would make a difference.

'Fish' by Mr Scruff

Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, what did you and your husband do after you were ejected from the restaurant?
Marge: We pretty much went straight home…
Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you are under oath!
Marge: We drove around until 3AM looking for another all-you-an-eat fish restaurant.
Hutz: And when you couldn’t find one?
Marge: We went fishing…
Hutz: Do these sound like the actions of a man who had all he could eat?

The New Kid on the Block
The Simpson's Season 4, Episode 6
Originally aired November 12, 1992

'International Dreambeat' Adebisi Shank
'The name of the song is going to be 'International Dreambeat''
'Seriously?'
'yeah'
'you still on that...'
'Prescription medication? Yes, yes I am. What of it?'
'Nothing man, nothing'

DANN'S INAUGURAL SIXTH FORM SONG

'Place Your Hands' by Reef

All my life I thought that Reef were a bunch of LA wasters. It turns out they actually come from Glastonbury. Glastonbury... The mythical burial ground of King Arthur. Home of the sacred Glastonbury thorn and the equally sacred Glastonbury Festival. This is just another case of Marketing and Hype playing me for the sucker I am.

'A Slight Discomfort' by the Holdsteady

The lyrics to this track are somewhat poetic. They left me with a feeling. I don't really know exactly what that feeling is. A slight sinking in my chest. Perhaps is a melancholic longing. Perhaps it's just the Coffee beans wearing off.  Maybe I should neck a couple of cans of power-thirst and then see how I feel.


Goodnight!

27: It's Ladies Night!!!

Let's kick things off by talking a little bit about women. According to Wikipedia 'Women are mammals, they lack a phallus but make up for this failing by retaining the sole right to activly replicate human life through the miracle of birth.' Women and their contribution to society have been largly ignored by the writers of history and television.' It is high time that Matt and myself redress the balance with this... Our Ladies Night special. First 50 wonder bra's get in free! ('Editors note: Oh dear god, what have we done?)
You can listen to this celebration of the female form (and function)...

HERE




TRACK LISTINGS


'Leeds United' by Amanda Palmer
Amanda Palmer is a hugely accomplished young woman, who writes and performs her own music both live on stage and within the recording studio environment. Her songs invoke the folk and cabaret tradition while bringing a freshness to the sound with a post-modern eye for contemporary detail, and the surprising depth of feeling that can be invoked by the seemingly superficial imagery of the sandwich, the football club and the mac store..I bet she smells pretty damn good too. (Editor's Note: Dann likes the word 'invoke'. Writing it causes him to perspire.)

'Pin' by Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs
Yeah yeah yeahs are lead by Karen O. Somewhat of an Icon in her own right, Karen was once offered the chance to pose for the cover of Playboy Magazine. I think they probably wanted her becuase they felt that her feminist credentials would give the glorified jazz-mag some much needed credibility as a genuine magazine. I have never been offered the chance to pose for Playgirl. Just for reccord, unlike Karen, I'm totally up for it. (Editor's Note: Playboy isn't really a glorified jazz- mag anymore. It's now an even more boring and middle aged version of GQ. But with tits.) ((Author's note... Isn't that what Glorified means?))


'Hide and Seek' by Imogen Heap
Imogen is a web phenomenon (Editor's Note: Dahhn dahhn, dannannun!) . I have heard in interviews that she previews works in progress on line and responds directly to her fans criticism. To be fair I wasn't really listening. I could be wrong about that. Either way I first heard this song as the background music to this sketch.

Imogen is quoted as saying  "One night I decided to record my boyfriend and me eating dinner. I wanted to get the sound of the room. So, on "Hide and Seek", for example, you can actually hear the sound of a frying pan. People might think it sounds like rain, but it's a frying pan. Certain sounds give the music a width and a space, and that's important."

 I have a few recordings I have made with my wife that I am attempting to sell to the pop industry. They might be most suitable for use in French music.

 'I am a Revenant' by the Distillers
A handy combo using the mighty Revenant:
Revenant + Whetstone
Whetstone (or any other card that forces discards)  alows you to discard cards many cards from your library into your graveyard... hopefully losing many creatures to it making your Revenant stronger and stronger. (it's even stronger with the Lhurgoyf  because you get the benefit of  all graveyards) My brother in law used this as the icing on the cake of his vastly annoying 'Deck distruction Deck' but it would do equally well in a kind of black and green, creature-heavy weenie-madness type deck. If  you have no idea what i'm talking about. good for you. (Editor's Note: At least we're not referencing Warcraft, ok?)

'Dance Anthem of the 80's' Regina Spektor
I remember the 80's and now, horrifically, it seems to be happening again. That doesn't stop me liking this track though. I think it's original, catchy and musically interesting. I particularly like the warbling. It reminds me of the year when everything went kind of  Turkish, and Ozzy  "Girl Next Door" Holly Valance was briefly a credible pop artist. Despite the fact that she seemed to think that photoshopped lens flair counted as clothing.


'I Love Turbulence' by Rolo Tomassi
Yes, but the real question is, do you love turbulence enough to give it your last Rolo?

 'Catch the Morning Line' Shannon Stephens
I am writing this whilst simultaneously producing a radio programme on another station and at this point I have become tired and more than a little confused. This might not have the gravitas of an epic Russian novel. It might not have the lightning spark of a carefully crafted haiku but let no one say that I have not tried. Consider these words a metaphor for the steaming breath of a Shire-horse cresting a hill on a frosty northern morning; consider them the splash of mud that my head makes as I fall face first in the Mud; consider this as me, towing the line.

(Editor's Note: i'm not sure what he's talking about here. Then again, neither is he. Also, The Shirehorses were brilliant.)

 'God Called in Sick Today' By AFI
In an unusual co-incidence I almost called in sick today. I haven't had two days off together for a really long time. Now when I actually get a day off I tend to used it to catch up on sleep. as a result it just registers in my mind as one long night. My brain ends up thinking that it hasn't really had a day off at all and as a result I seem to be getting more and more mental everyday. Less and less able to mentally censor my conversation. Had I lived in a village I'd probably be chatting to the village idiot right about now and ready to see him as some kind of misunderstood genius.

Goodnight Children.