39: Pride and Prostate Manipulation for Pleasure (The Unholy Alliance Special)

Matt turned up at the studio as usual with his box of CD's and a vaguely sarcastic expression on his face. Matt likes to complain about the government, (but he is in no position to run for office.)  I was ignoring him whilst busily imagining a world where Lassie is played by two midgets in a pantomime dog.  That's when it hit me.: The two of us are like fire and ice and yet most of the time we get on pretty well. It works for us... so why not the whole programme. With this in mind we set about searching the universe for other unlikely/ungodly collaborations. you can listen to the results of our research by pressing...

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Really we should have looked at how badly the coalition is doing and known better. Now that I think about it, that might have been what Matt was bitching about.

Enough Jibber Jabber on with the

TRACK LISTINGS


'Take Me Home' by Phil Collins and Bone Thugz n' Harmony
The main problem with this episode becomes obvious as soon as this starts playing. Most of these tracks are major balls.  At least 50% of the show is music, which means both Matt and I are going to have to be 50% less balls in our segments, in order to prevent ourselves from getting fired. a task we're sadly not up to.


'Where The Wild Roses Grow' by Nick Cave and Kyle Minogue
 Kyle Minogue.  Lust goblin of the parched and arid Outback. Picture her now being harassed by the ghost of Steve Irwin... Careful Steve... Go for the hair!!

Should you encounter Kyle in the wild, the important thing is to not look in her eyes... Don't let her get into your head, be aware that she can spin around at great speed, and that here bite has the force of a full speed locomotion.


'Cruising Together' Gwyneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis
Cruising, or kerb crawling as it is otherwise known is a popular way for celebrities to spice up their relationships. And a useful source of ghetto income.

'Go Ask Shakespeare' sung by  Ruffus Wainright written by Burt Bacherach produced by Dr Dre 
Man this track was dull... and typical of Ruffus's typically dull body of dull ass work. It doesn't help that it takes a full month to get going and that when it does it's difficult to tell that it has. 1 star. even though I picked it. Respect to Dre... who may or may not have been involved.

'The Justified Ancients of Moo Moo' by The KLF Featuring Tammy Winnette
Dr Dre certainly had F all to do with this track by the KLF. Originally called Ken Livingstone's Fish, the KLF brand of self-indulgent electro pop once offered a less camp alternative to the petshop boys. Those days are gone now as we have the Postal Service to fill that role. Still they were quite cool as people. 


'Ebony and Ivory' by Paul Mcartney and Stevie Wonder 
This is all I have to say about this.



'The Heart Gently Weeps' Wu Tang Clan feat. Dhani Harrison, Erykah Badu, John Frusciante
This track was the best one on the whole show and listening to it back it's not even that good. We don't even play the whole thing. What the hell is wrong with us. It really is only a matter of time before we get fired.



'Little Drummer Boy' Sung by David Bowie and Bing Crosby
'shit sandwich'


Merry Christmas everybody!

38: Whistling Dixie

Right now on a dark matter planet bouncing around in the Alpha-Centaurian star system a pair of young lovers are lying together in the back of a flat bed truck looking up at the night sky. The boy, who knows a little bit about astronomy, points to one of their brightest stars.  He tells his girl about that little yellow sun, he tells her that that despite it's small size, it meagre gravity clings to a number of planets and that one of those planets is not to hot and not too cold and that maybe, just maybe, there's a strange man with a charity moustache living on that planet and writing the story of their love on the internet.

The two of them look at our sun in silence... Then the boy begins to whistle while the girl accompanies him on the Ukulele, for on the goldilocks planet of Alpha Centauri, this is how baby's are made.


Join us now in praising the space-baby by clicking on the link provided...

PLAY


TRACK LISTINGS

'Me and Julio Down by The School Yard' performed by Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies, originally by Paul Simon
 It is well known that the Space Baby loves Whistlin' Whittlin' and Whishin'. He hates Fistin' Fishin' Fission. Which is understandable really.

'Centerfold' by the J. Geils Band
It's a little known fact that Matt Setback was raised by whales. Having been abandoned at sea by irresponsible pirates, these majestic kings of the sea took pity on him and allowed him to suckle their nourishing blubbery milk. Matt grew stronger as the years went by, but always wondered why he was smaller and less aerodynamic than the other kids. Then he came across a copy of playboy took one look at the centrefold and realised there had been some kind of a mix up.


'Mary Melody' by the Mad Caddies
Neither Matt nor myself can whistle. We are in awe of those that can. I am also impressed by people that can pick up girls in bars, do proper handbrake turns and, of course, park their cars in really tight spaces.

'Coming Home,  Left my Broken Heart in Carolina' by Weezer
 (Yes this song really is by Weezer)


'Sitting on the Dock of the Bay' Performed by Pearl Jam, originally by Otis Reading
Otis Reading originally planned to write lyrics for the whistling section of this song, but sadly he died in a plane crash before he got the chance. I like to imagine that perhaps, he got the inspiration he was looking for just moments before his plane went down. I like to imagine that they were scribbled on a napkin that once the explosions were over eventually floated down to earth and became the inspiration for this song.


'Young Folks' by Peter, Byorn and John
I like this version of this song, but sadly it doesn't have any whistling in it. Matt seems convinced that this song, 'was only written so that it could be on an advert' I think that in his thick skinned baleen cynicism he has seriously missed out on the basic truth of artistic endeavour.  No one thinks that way Matt. People make music they love. Some tracks end up on adverts. This is the way of things.


 'My Girlfriends Dead' by the Vandals
The Vandals were an East Germanic tribe that entered the late Roman Empire during the 5th century, perhaps best known for their sack of Rome in 455. Although they were not notably more destructive than other invaders of ancient times, Renaissance and Early Modern writers who idealized Rome tended to blame the Vandals for its destruction. This led to the coinage of "vandalism", meaning senseless destruction, particularly the defacing of artworks that were completed with great effort.


'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life' by Monty Python
Philosophical pessimism is the similar but not identical idea that life has a negative value, or that this world is as bad as it could possibly be.  Pessimism is not a disposition as the term commonly connotes. Instead, it is a cogent philosophy that directly challenges the notion of progress and what may be considered the faith-based claims of optimism. Still, mustn't grumble.



Goodnight!

37: Amature Hour

What if for just one year, soap operas stopped presenting Christmas as some kind of hellish festival of domestic violence and inter-familiar aggression? what if they decided to do Christmas like the movies do it? Why not have a character we are all rooting for face insurmountable odds and overcome them, armed with nothing but the miracle of human kindness?


Could not a child make a wish? Could that wish not come true..? Could I please be that child?


If I was in charge of Eastenders, all the dogs would talk and every twenty minutes the humans would burst into song. 

Sadly I'm not in charge of Eastenders... 


Instead I chose to waste my life by working for a living and co-hosting (for free)  a radio show that precludes me from ever getting a proper job in broadcasting. If you want to listen to this latest career mistake then click... 

Here

TRACK LISTINGS

'Rent a Cop' By Ben Folds
At the age of 26, I defeated 10'000 applicants to get myself an interview for a trainee writer position for BBC Teens. If I had got that job I would have moved to London, would have excelled as a writer and would probably have my own series by now. Sadly I got crazy nervous and badly screwed up the interview. Oddly enough I still believed I had done pretty well all things considered and that it was just a matter of time before my obvious talent was discovered.



'Miles Davis and the Cool' by Gas Light Anthem
A little later on I got another interview for a job as a development researcher for television drama. Had I got that job I would have spent all day reading scripts, assessing them for feasibility and artistic merit. I would be an expert in commissioning television drama by now and would have a healthy bank balance and a back-catalogue of my own commissioned work to boot.
I stupidly told the interview panel I had 'no idea about broadcasting guidelines, but learn things really really fast'. They gave the job to a guy with one arm. I couldn't really argue with that.



'Lullaby (Divorce Song)' by Steven Lynch 
By now I actually do have a back catalogue, but mostly it's of half formed ideas on scraps of note paper, and word documents with weird names that I don't really remember writing. That and a pile of failed application forms and cover letters to agents, production companies and magazines that either never got back to me or replied in the negative. I'm still not totally sure what I'm doing wrong.



'Christina, She Don't Know That  I Exist' by Street Light Manifesto
I have had some mild success... I've had a couple of stories read on Radio 4... I've written a few scripts. One of them got through to the second round of the writers room. That was a bitter sweet email of feedback...  I haven't written another script since I got that letter. I'm not really sure why.


'C.R.E.A.M (Cash Rules Everything Around Me)' by The Wu Tang Clan
I spend a lot of my time working to get money. I spend a lot of my money travelling to get to work. It's a crazy situation but there just doesn't seem to be any way out of it. Just one of those things I guess. Still at least I have a Job.


'Justified Black Eye' by No Use For a Name
Every year I set myself goals, then I blink and it's over and I'm another year older and I still haven't written that novel. I'm 31 now. I cried a lot around my birthday. I cried over movies, I cried over songs in the car... I cried about everything.


'Old School' by  DangerDoom
So maybe I'm not the genius I thought I was when I was at Uni. Maybe I'm one of those failed ass writers I used to laugh and point at. 'I'll never be like you' I said... 'I'm too fucking talented, too full of ideas'. Perhaps it would be closer to the truth to say I am too lazy and too easily distracted to make it in the real world. I guess the important this is not to be bitter about the whole thing.


Today's Empires, Tomorrow's Ashes' by Propergandhi
There must be more of me out there. A legion of also-rans with a draw full of scripts and a few short films bouncing around on their hard-drives and taking up space. There must be a billion stubble-faced 30 somethings bitching lyrical about their bum luck on some blog that nobody reads.
 Sometimes at night I can hear them all shuffling to refrigerator for a late night stack, getting slowly fatter and wondering where it all went wrong.
Maybe we should start some sort of club.
A support group maybe...
With a witty name. 
Maybe not.

This year, for Christmas I'm not writing any goals. This year I'm just asking for a miracle.