16: The Musrooms of Love.

We have never played the GLC on this programme but I promise that we will as soon as they release the almost inevitable cover of Newyork State of mind, called Newport State of Mind. It doesn't exist yet, but I'm pretty sure it will within a year or so.

You can listen to this classic laughter filled GLC free episode HERE

'May 16th' by Lagwagon 
The Lagwaggon has three wheels, is pursued by Cherokees but continues to roll along. on May 16th 1836 – Edgar Allan Poe married his 13-year-old cousin Virginia. If that happened now he'd be hounded out of the country like Roman Polanski. Edgar was a dark dude too man. I worry about the fate of poor Virginia, by the time she was 19 she would have been seriously jaded.

'Classy' by Kenickie 

It's not a good song... but is is sung by the lovely
 Lauren lovely Laverne. I know it's weird 
but I like to imagine Lauren just 
going about here day, perhaps collecting nesting
 material or stock piling food for the harsh
 winter ahead. She now has her own six music 
Show and presents the highly pretentious 
Culture Show on the BBC. 
All about British Culture.

'Hidden Track from Science' By Incubus

This is possibly the greatest track we ever have or 
will play on the ETP. The whole ETP crew is 
really excited about it. So much so that the they 
started running from one side of the boat to the 
other and eventually the whole thing capsized. 
Word to the mother!

'The Book of Love' by Magnetic Fields 

Imagine if the book of love was a set text on 
your sixth form syllabus... It's always there as an 
informal subject. I remember using Pride and 
Prejudice in order to pull girls. 
It never worked particularly well. 
Girls read all the Judy Bloom stuff. That's how

 come they get the head start. 
We boys just end up twisted and weird. 

The Razer by Head Automatica  

Head Automatica, feature the singer from 
Glass Jaw and one of the producers from 
Gorillaz and other stuff. I guess that makes them 
some kind of 'Super Group' Supper Group, Lunch 
Singers. Breakfast Club. Club Sandwhich. 
oh dear, this is starting to sound like Mallet's Mallet. 
I've met Timmy Mallet, he came into my day-job 
radio station. I had to make him a cup of Tea. 
He likes it strong with two sugars and no milk.

'Blue Blood' by Foals 

I really like this song, but I get the feeling Matt 
could take it or leave it. I guess that is kind of the 
point of the show. We're not supposed to actually 
like each others music, but I think our shows are 
usually better when we do. I think I like this song 
because it reminds me of the band James but it's 
a bit funkier. Matt doesn't have a drivers licence.

'You're Gonna Break my Heart' by Malcolm Middleton

Poor Malcolm stuck between a rock and a hard place. 
He fears a broken heart but worries that if he finds true 
happiness, then he will no longer be able to write songs 
that are any good. Then he starts to worry if the songs are 
any good anyway. It's Lose-Lose for the Artistic Scottsman.

'Peaches' by The Presidents of the USA 

I could never figure out of this song was dirty or not.
 I mean there are obviously 'Peach Eating' references. 
But where does that figure on the profanity scale next to 
say... 'Walk this Way' by Run DMC? or  'put e'm on the glass'
, Sir Mixalot's  lesser known follow up to Baby got Back. 
Not very highly I suspect.

Sorry about the formatting... things went weird, for some reason. 

Goodnight. (allow the app.)

15: The Corrupt and Corporate, Corn-Chips Incident. (Featuring Sooty.)

Welcome once again to the Stashhouse. I can only assume you have come here for the weekly re'up yo... Fo'real. You can  listen to another Classic DVC and MST Joint RIGHT HERE MAN.
 
While you're waiting for it to load... Do you ever think that in the same way that the earth's maganetic field collects Solar radiation (the very force of which causes it to bend and stretch out of shape and then occasionally snap back to deposit rafts of energised particles to the magnetic poles in a display known as the northern lights) it could also collect sexual energy.

That perhaps there is an undetected orgasmic shield around mother-earth, bent and twisted out of shape by the constant erotic heat of the sun. Could it also then be possbile that like the aura borealis occasionaly rafts of steamy particalls could come flooding down and land on Norway and Sweden and Denmark, and that this phenominon could be so localised as to be channelled towards a bus full of roller derby contestants, student nurses and perhaps a contingent of Russian ladies tennis professionals and that it could cause them all to perform a massive, collective and involuntary gasp of joy, and that this pleasure yelp could be loud enough to be heard around the world. Could it be that it would be so loud and so pure as to be heard by all the soldiers in all the world, from Afganistan to Mozambique, and all the Oil men and Bankers in new York and London strangling their consciences just to get ahead, and for one glorious moment they could think to themselves. What are we fighting for? Why are we struggling? Do we really need all this oil and money and fast cars and guns? No, we don't need anything, anything at all, except the chance to hear that sweet, sweet sound once again. An off they would go... North towards the frozen sky and a bus load of sirenic beauties...  and one by one, for lack of food and heat and money, they would die.

Maybe not.

Ok. Enough of that. On with the...
Track Listings

'One Cloud' by Beth Rowley
 Beth Rowley has never worked with Sooty and had she been live in the studio she would have been really excited to do so. Beth is kind of local but she's been quietly tapping on the door of global success for a little while now and I would bet that by this time next year she will be far too well known to fall into the remit of our little show. Beth's lawyers have told me that 'She does not have a serious sexual appetite' and that 'She would have no trouble resisting my charms'

'' by Babyhead
We spend ages talking about "Man Child" whose actual stage-name is "ManCub" Manchild was an awful sudo-political song that I think was about absent fathers (or drugs or something) sung by Nenah Cherry. I used to think Nenah sucked... and then I heard her brother Eagle Eye. His music made me want have The Eagles pull my eyes out and stuff them in my ears so I wouldn't have to hear it any more. I love The Eagles I also love Babyhead. Sadly, I got no love for the cherry family.


'Guilty Cocker Spaniels' by Modest Mouse
Spaceghost! Spaceghost!  Spaceghost! 
I seem to like bands from three main places. Bristol, Illinois and Seattle. I didn't plan for things to be be this way, it's just the way things panned out. Modest Mouse were named after a three day cyclocross event that the band tool part in. As a team they achieved a competitive time but were sadly beaten by a team of polite Canadians who told them they had a condition that prevented their teeth from ever stopping growing. The Canadians had to chew wood just to keep their teeth down, their team name was the modest mice.


Tannhäuser/Derive by Refused
This 8 minute epic is from 'The Shape of Punk to Come' quite a cocky title really. The opening lines to this track are 'So where do we go from here, just about anywhere' The same lines used in the first advert for the Tom Tom GPS device. Matt loves this album. I love my Sat Nav. Matt doesn't drive.

'Fables' by the Dodos
I'm gonna make the rest of this quick because  have to go visit my sister... but yeah! the Dodos. All very nice. I like the middle eightness of this band and also the kind of soundtrack to a Movie with Zach Braff in it vibe. It worries me that this could also appear in an episode of 90210 or something... but you could say that about Imagen Heap you know... and she's cool right... I mean you know... if you forget that she sounds a bit like Enya...  Ipod generation and all that. I cannot afford an Ipod.

'Welcome to the Black Parade' by My Chemical Romance
Matt picked this track against his better interests and thus we only played the intro.


'Saving Grace' By Tom Petty
Classic driving music. I'm starting to wonder if Matt and I's tastes in music have been subtly affected by the fact that I can drive and he can't. Matt will never understand the joy of pulling into fifth on the crest of a hill or that slow-burn adrenalin yeehaa of doing a ton on the M4 when your wife is asleep and thus not able to scream and tell you to slow down, he'll never learn to love the secretly addictive night-time rush that one gets from the flash of government speed camera when your cruising through a 30 zone at 8o miles an hour in a recently stolen 1979 Camero, before turning left into a shopping mall. wait that might have been GTA...

'I Fell Asleep on My Arm' by the Aquabats
I think that this kind of falls flat on me because I don't have the encyclopedic knowledge of Rap Metal that Matt does. I did find it pretty funny... but I guess it's kind of the same as him watching this. 

Goodnight sexy people. And Sexless people. Goodnight.


We will eat anything for £20
dannandmatt@bcfm.org.uk

14: The Los Conios Special!!! Featuring the exclusive 1st radio play of 'Split!'

You can hear this block rocking jump humping tub thumping humdinger of a sexepisode
Here
I warn you that we are uploading the unedited version... which is full of bad words.


In an experimental new format we have welcomed a band into the studio. We have Gary the Guitarist (The Black Mask) and Owen the Drummer (The Green Mask) from the band:  Los Conios possibly the most underrated and underestimated band in Bristol right now. As you will hear pretty early on, Los Conios have a sound so meaty they could open a butchers, they thrash harder than a great white on a two pound line and I can personal attest to the fact that they have amazing personal hi-gene and fierce grooming habits.

but let's crack on with the awesome...
Track Listings!

'Split' by Los Conios
This is a song about a split personality. It seems to be sung from the perspective of a man attempting to explain this predicament to his girlfriend. One of the things we like about Los Conios is their stagecraft, with a minimum of needless chatter they play out hard, in sharp suits with coloured masks covering their faces.  Like super heroes.

'Negative Creep' by Nirvana
Los Conios chose all the music this week, this one is a live track by Nirvana. Nirvana are a little known rock outfit from Seattle. Their largest claim to fame being that they once opened for the Brotherhood of Man before achieving some moderate success for themselves in the 1990's.

'Deadfall' by Snot
Before this track comes on... marvel as I ramble madly about climbing while Matt wrestles with the CD player. Obviously Matt's gonna like this track more than I do. To me it sounds like Taz from 'Taz-mania', having a Hypo. I don't want to be too mean to the singer... I don't want to talk ill of the dead. Please drive carefully people.

'Ulcer Breakout' By The Butthole Surfers
Butthole surfing is kind of like Train Surfing, or couch-surfing. It also describes a particular fetishistic usage of an internet connection.  Wait... stop... I just had a moment of inspiration for a Butthole Surfers video... A community of inbred rabit breeders fall foul to the evil plans of a mad scientist. By the time the video ends there's a whole bunch of  half-man/lady half-rabbit hybrids all going hammer and tongs in what looks like Teletubby land.

'Beyond Repair' by The Termites (now Zammo)
I going to go ahead and assume that The Termites changed their name because there is another more famous band called The Termites that have been going for 20 years and hail from Dayton USA... and also a less famous 5 piece phychobilly outfit from Scottland (The Termites). Perhaps most disturbingly 'Busted' were originally called 'The Termites' Friggin Termites Are Everywhere!!!! Long live Zammo.


'Celebrate Your Mother' The 80's Matchbox Beeline Disaster
It seems to me that this song is about smoothing over the cracks in a new step family, through the medium of music, and probably dance. More things should be done through dance. There was that song they used to make us sing at school "I am the lord of the dance said he" I always thought that was about MC Hammer.


'Devils Drop' by Los Conios
International Los Conios! knocking the doors off the studio with Devils drop. They Thank Matt Sampson, their producer... but before they can thank everyone else on the friggen planet we cut them off and start talking about tall glasses of water or something. It might have got lost in the editing. Thank you Los Conios.

Sonic Boom Six Vs. Public Enemy.
Mash Up! and I'm not talking about a potato party or even a Comedy Korean War reunion. We are talking about one song dry humping another on the dusty streets of a two horse town just a few short miles from Vegas. I like to picture Chuck D, focusing on those distant lights and pretending it's happening to someone else.

Goodnight.

13: Illfated Episode 13. The Technical Mistake Special (with added dubstep!)

This is possibly one of the worst ever episodes of the Erotic Toast Project. What could go wrong did.

You can listen to the horrific crime against god that was Episode 13 HERE To be fair, it's not that bad. The problems of this episode pale in insignificance next to those of mother nature right now... think about it. There is a lot wrong with the world and rather than wasting your time listening to a stupid radio show, you should probably go do something about it. Go outside, reach down a turtles throat and pull out the plastic bag that's stopping him from digesting fish...  Go down to the Keynsham Bypass and dig a tunnel so that badgers can stop getting squashed there, at the very least give the dog a bath you lazy bastard. You know what, sod it. You're already here so you might as well tune in.

Without further waste of time. On with the...
TRACK LISTINGS 

'Big Tings Gwidarn' by Roots Manova Ft. Seanie T
This is totally titled 'Gwidarn' which totally does sound like it might be in welsh. Matt and I reveal the scary fact to the world that the two of us went to school in Wales together. There is swearing on this track and as a result those words have been replaced by the word 'Dwarf' Taken from '200 solemn faces' that we play later on in the show.  It's quite subtle, so do let me know if you happen to spot the cunning substitution. (not safe for work)
Also Midgets totally get a mention in this track... so there's a link. Midgets! (also not safe for work)

'RV' by Faith No More
The letters RV stand for Recreational Vehicle, basically this is a song about a man who lives in a camper van. Mike Patten sings on this atmospheric eulogy to the world that convenience promised us. all that we are left with is our own stunning lethargy and an indefinable sense of loss.  I mention the Crash Test Dummies, which I felt deserved a plug seeing as they only had enough juice in them for the one successful album, although they are apparently still going and could probably use a friend or some spare change by now.

'That's me Trying' by William Shatner
Written by the novelist Nick Horby, one of whose characters I seem to be slowly turning into... and produced by Ben Folds who I would love to be re-born as... and sung by Shatner, who once made love to a mountain, this is a track about a man desperately trying to reconnect with his long lost daughter.  Matt thinks that it's too sappy, too melancholic and nostalgic to be allowed to live. Perhaps he is right, perhaps one day he'll get a letter from his feminine side, and the two of them will meet in a cafe in Shorditch, and they'll make small talk while all the while dying inside because of all the things they've left unsaid.  Who knows?

'Raise the Banner' by King Prawn
Before we got the massively fair, simple and open political system we all enjoy today, the nation of Great Britain was ruled by consortium of invertebrates known as the son's of Poseidon. Sadly in the year 1950 people finally realised how hungry they were and how much they liked seafood.

'The Giant of Illinois' Andrew Bird (originally by the Handsome Family)
The worlds largest ball of twine is a controversial topic. More controversial than I was expecting. some say it's in Kansas, Some say Missouri or Minnesota. No one in the great state of Illinois claims to have the worlds largest ball of twine. They do claim that there once was a giant there, and that he died from a blister on his toe.

Caffeine Bomb by the Wildhearts
Who would have thought that a group of young men from the fine and noble town of Newcastle Upon Tyne would grow up to sing about being massively hungover and then drinking yet more alcohol. In Newcastle the police helicopters have NUT-PD written on the side of them and Jimmy Nail is allowed to sleep with any woman he wants.

'200 Solemn Faces' by Ben Fold's Five
What you hear on the tape is the beginning and the end of the live version... with the studio version in the middle.
Basically because the live version isn't as good.
This is a great song. It catalogs most of the reasons I got into broadcasting in the first place. So to all of ya'll who graduated Fairfield in 1995 you can kiss my beans goodbye, I'm on community radio now, I've hit the big time baby,  I need a drink.

'Testify' by The Red Hot Chile Peppers
From a time when the Chile's could still make a song that stank of sweat and beer.
The movie I refer to on the show is this one. I guess it stuck in my head because I was about six when it came out and it was the first time I saw and old man punch a guy in order to impress a hooker. I also like how badly the sound was done on that movie, how obvious it is that the music was put on later, how what you are watching is a room full of wannabees trying desperately to dance to the silence of their own forgotten lives.

Goodnight.