39: Pride and Prostate Manipulation for Pleasure (The Unholy Alliance Special)

Matt turned up at the studio as usual with his box of CD's and a vaguely sarcastic expression on his face. Matt likes to complain about the government, (but he is in no position to run for office.)  I was ignoring him whilst busily imagining a world where Lassie is played by two midgets in a pantomime dog.  That's when it hit me.: The two of us are like fire and ice and yet most of the time we get on pretty well. It works for us... so why not the whole programme. With this in mind we set about searching the universe for other unlikely/ungodly collaborations. you can listen to the results of our research by pressing...

PLAY

Really we should have looked at how badly the coalition is doing and known better. Now that I think about it, that might have been what Matt was bitching about.

Enough Jibber Jabber on with the

TRACK LISTINGS


'Take Me Home' by Phil Collins and Bone Thugz n' Harmony
The main problem with this episode becomes obvious as soon as this starts playing. Most of these tracks are major balls.  At least 50% of the show is music, which means both Matt and I are going to have to be 50% less balls in our segments, in order to prevent ourselves from getting fired. a task we're sadly not up to.


'Where The Wild Roses Grow' by Nick Cave and Kyle Minogue
 Kyle Minogue.  Lust goblin of the parched and arid Outback. Picture her now being harassed by the ghost of Steve Irwin... Careful Steve... Go for the hair!!

Should you encounter Kyle in the wild, the important thing is to not look in her eyes... Don't let her get into your head, be aware that she can spin around at great speed, and that here bite has the force of a full speed locomotion.


'Cruising Together' Gwyneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis
Cruising, or kerb crawling as it is otherwise known is a popular way for celebrities to spice up their relationships. And a useful source of ghetto income.

'Go Ask Shakespeare' sung by  Ruffus Wainright written by Burt Bacherach produced by Dr Dre 
Man this track was dull... and typical of Ruffus's typically dull body of dull ass work. It doesn't help that it takes a full month to get going and that when it does it's difficult to tell that it has. 1 star. even though I picked it. Respect to Dre... who may or may not have been involved.

'The Justified Ancients of Moo Moo' by The KLF Featuring Tammy Winnette
Dr Dre certainly had F all to do with this track by the KLF. Originally called Ken Livingstone's Fish, the KLF brand of self-indulgent electro pop once offered a less camp alternative to the petshop boys. Those days are gone now as we have the Postal Service to fill that role. Still they were quite cool as people. 


'Ebony and Ivory' by Paul Mcartney and Stevie Wonder 
This is all I have to say about this.



'The Heart Gently Weeps' Wu Tang Clan feat. Dhani Harrison, Erykah Badu, John Frusciante
This track was the best one on the whole show and listening to it back it's not even that good. We don't even play the whole thing. What the hell is wrong with us. It really is only a matter of time before we get fired.



'Little Drummer Boy' Sung by David Bowie and Bing Crosby
'shit sandwich'


Merry Christmas everybody!

38: Whistling Dixie

Right now on a dark matter planet bouncing around in the Alpha-Centaurian star system a pair of young lovers are lying together in the back of a flat bed truck looking up at the night sky. The boy, who knows a little bit about astronomy, points to one of their brightest stars.  He tells his girl about that little yellow sun, he tells her that that despite it's small size, it meagre gravity clings to a number of planets and that one of those planets is not to hot and not too cold and that maybe, just maybe, there's a strange man with a charity moustache living on that planet and writing the story of their love on the internet.

The two of them look at our sun in silence... Then the boy begins to whistle while the girl accompanies him on the Ukulele, for on the goldilocks planet of Alpha Centauri, this is how baby's are made.


Join us now in praising the space-baby by clicking on the link provided...

PLAY


TRACK LISTINGS

'Me and Julio Down by The School Yard' performed by Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies, originally by Paul Simon
 It is well known that the Space Baby loves Whistlin' Whittlin' and Whishin'. He hates Fistin' Fishin' Fission. Which is understandable really.

'Centerfold' by the J. Geils Band
It's a little known fact that Matt Setback was raised by whales. Having been abandoned at sea by irresponsible pirates, these majestic kings of the sea took pity on him and allowed him to suckle their nourishing blubbery milk. Matt grew stronger as the years went by, but always wondered why he was smaller and less aerodynamic than the other kids. Then he came across a copy of playboy took one look at the centrefold and realised there had been some kind of a mix up.


'Mary Melody' by the Mad Caddies
Neither Matt nor myself can whistle. We are in awe of those that can. I am also impressed by people that can pick up girls in bars, do proper handbrake turns and, of course, park their cars in really tight spaces.

'Coming Home,  Left my Broken Heart in Carolina' by Weezer
 (Yes this song really is by Weezer)


'Sitting on the Dock of the Bay' Performed by Pearl Jam, originally by Otis Reading
Otis Reading originally planned to write lyrics for the whistling section of this song, but sadly he died in a plane crash before he got the chance. I like to imagine that perhaps, he got the inspiration he was looking for just moments before his plane went down. I like to imagine that they were scribbled on a napkin that once the explosions were over eventually floated down to earth and became the inspiration for this song.


'Young Folks' by Peter, Byorn and John
I like this version of this song, but sadly it doesn't have any whistling in it. Matt seems convinced that this song, 'was only written so that it could be on an advert' I think that in his thick skinned baleen cynicism he has seriously missed out on the basic truth of artistic endeavour.  No one thinks that way Matt. People make music they love. Some tracks end up on adverts. This is the way of things.


 'My Girlfriends Dead' by the Vandals
The Vandals were an East Germanic tribe that entered the late Roman Empire during the 5th century, perhaps best known for their sack of Rome in 455. Although they were not notably more destructive than other invaders of ancient times, Renaissance and Early Modern writers who idealized Rome tended to blame the Vandals for its destruction. This led to the coinage of "vandalism", meaning senseless destruction, particularly the defacing of artworks that were completed with great effort.


'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life' by Monty Python
Philosophical pessimism is the similar but not identical idea that life has a negative value, or that this world is as bad as it could possibly be.  Pessimism is not a disposition as the term commonly connotes. Instead, it is a cogent philosophy that directly challenges the notion of progress and what may be considered the faith-based claims of optimism. Still, mustn't grumble.



Goodnight!

37: Amature Hour

What if for just one year, soap operas stopped presenting Christmas as some kind of hellish festival of domestic violence and inter-familiar aggression? what if they decided to do Christmas like the movies do it? Why not have a character we are all rooting for face insurmountable odds and overcome them, armed with nothing but the miracle of human kindness?


Could not a child make a wish? Could that wish not come true..? Could I please be that child?


If I was in charge of Eastenders, all the dogs would talk and every twenty minutes the humans would burst into song. 

Sadly I'm not in charge of Eastenders... 


Instead I chose to waste my life by working for a living and co-hosting (for free)  a radio show that precludes me from ever getting a proper job in broadcasting. If you want to listen to this latest career mistake then click... 

Here

TRACK LISTINGS

'Rent a Cop' By Ben Folds
At the age of 26, I defeated 10'000 applicants to get myself an interview for a trainee writer position for BBC Teens. If I had got that job I would have moved to London, would have excelled as a writer and would probably have my own series by now. Sadly I got crazy nervous and badly screwed up the interview. Oddly enough I still believed I had done pretty well all things considered and that it was just a matter of time before my obvious talent was discovered.



'Miles Davis and the Cool' by Gas Light Anthem
A little later on I got another interview for a job as a development researcher for television drama. Had I got that job I would have spent all day reading scripts, assessing them for feasibility and artistic merit. I would be an expert in commissioning television drama by now and would have a healthy bank balance and a back-catalogue of my own commissioned work to boot.
I stupidly told the interview panel I had 'no idea about broadcasting guidelines, but learn things really really fast'. They gave the job to a guy with one arm. I couldn't really argue with that.



'Lullaby (Divorce Song)' by Steven Lynch 
By now I actually do have a back catalogue, but mostly it's of half formed ideas on scraps of note paper, and word documents with weird names that I don't really remember writing. That and a pile of failed application forms and cover letters to agents, production companies and magazines that either never got back to me or replied in the negative. I'm still not totally sure what I'm doing wrong.



'Christina, She Don't Know That  I Exist' by Street Light Manifesto
I have had some mild success... I've had a couple of stories read on Radio 4... I've written a few scripts. One of them got through to the second round of the writers room. That was a bitter sweet email of feedback...  I haven't written another script since I got that letter. I'm not really sure why.


'C.R.E.A.M (Cash Rules Everything Around Me)' by The Wu Tang Clan
I spend a lot of my time working to get money. I spend a lot of my money travelling to get to work. It's a crazy situation but there just doesn't seem to be any way out of it. Just one of those things I guess. Still at least I have a Job.


'Justified Black Eye' by No Use For a Name
Every year I set myself goals, then I blink and it's over and I'm another year older and I still haven't written that novel. I'm 31 now. I cried a lot around my birthday. I cried over movies, I cried over songs in the car... I cried about everything.


'Old School' by  DangerDoom
So maybe I'm not the genius I thought I was when I was at Uni. Maybe I'm one of those failed ass writers I used to laugh and point at. 'I'll never be like you' I said... 'I'm too fucking talented, too full of ideas'. Perhaps it would be closer to the truth to say I am too lazy and too easily distracted to make it in the real world. I guess the important this is not to be bitter about the whole thing.


Today's Empires, Tomorrow's Ashes' by Propergandhi
There must be more of me out there. A legion of also-rans with a draw full of scripts and a few short films bouncing around on their hard-drives and taking up space. There must be a billion stubble-faced 30 somethings bitching lyrical about their bum luck on some blog that nobody reads.
 Sometimes at night I can hear them all shuffling to refrigerator for a late night stack, getting slowly fatter and wondering where it all went wrong.
Maybe we should start some sort of club.
A support group maybe...
With a witty name. 
Maybe not.

This year, for Christmas I'm not writing any goals. This year I'm just asking for a miracle.

36: Hello I wuv you, wont you tell me your name....

We open this episode with some life/mine-craft advice... listen carefully because it might just change your life, both spiritually and sexually.

If you have an hour or so to waste (either now or in the future) you can right click on the word HERE below, and then 'Save-As' to your hard drive then you can treat this program like any other pod-cast.

Here

Or you can left click on it and it will stream in the background while you mindlessly search the internet for porn.

Ask yourself...

what is it you're really looking for?

TRACK LISTINGS

'Under-tow' by War Paint
My wife. She hates war. She loves painting. She claims to love this band. So we are playing this for her.

The under-tow is a hidden current, an invisible force that pulls swimmers from the shallow world of the beach into the cold and frightening depths of the ocean. Sometimes known as the Under-toad, it's amphibious force can sometime be felt metaphorically in your life. Choose to kick against it. or let it pull you out to sea. The choice is yours.

'Rookie' by Boy Sets Fire
Is there an innate sense of justice in the world? Some exterior power that seeks to redress the balance when things go wrong? I'm talking about a universal Ethic existing beyond the judgement and understanding of the individual. perhaps it is a manifestation of some kind of Meta-Conciousness, a collective unconscious field of sentient energy that is both created by and manipulates our behaviour on a day to day basis... What ever you think about it. I've got my t-shirt back. (Men's T-Shirt Blue)

'Not the Same' by Ben Folds
To anyone who hasn't done it yet I advise you to look deep inside yourself and find God. I mean this in a strictly non-denominational way. It doesn't even have to be mono-theistic. Feel free to be poly theistic. Bow down to the Genius Loci if the mood takes you. but find something to believe in what ever you do...  even if it's just for the weekend.

'Stay to Long' By Plan B
Northern Soul. Some people view religion as some kind of celestial pension... or insurance policy. Maybe they are right but... It doest really ring true with me.
The other day my car broke down and we ended up sat in this hotel just off the M25. There was this religious conference going on in one of the convention rooms. A woman outside selling leaflets and other merchandise told me that while she had a personal relationship with a higher power, she didn't go to church. I left her standing there alone. It was my turn to use the 20 minutes of free broadband. I used it to change my Facebook status to 'My car is broken down- Pray for me.'
About two hours later the AA managed to fix it.


'Generator above Second Floor' by Freelance Whales
Imagine you are standing on a sea of letters, shifting like water from where you are standing all the way out to the horizon. You step forward and pick up a hand-full.  Each address written in the same scrawling hand. Your name and Address, your middle name replaced with "The Arsehole". Your eye is drawn to the stamps; every one a silhouette of your face, postmarked from all over the world. a shadow falls across the sun making you look up. Towering above you is a tidal wave of hatemail. It is about to break. As the weight comes down, you reach out and touch faith.


'Young, Dumb and Stung' by Say Anything
How can we learn to come to terms with mortality if we are never able to experience even a moments worth of Death. Hard as I try I cannot even imagine it. I know a couple of people who claim yo have peeked thought the door. Humans whose hearts have stopped and then been started again by the powers of modern Medicine. When I asked them what it was like they told me that it was difficult to explain.
How can the world end today when it's already tomorrow in Australia?

'Steel Beast Defeated' by Fu Manchu
I was trying to think of something to put in this 'Track Description' when the phone rang. I didn't recognise the number.  She wanted to book a table for four. I told her that this wasn't a restaurant, this was my house. She apologised.

I guess everybody gets things wrong sometimes.

'Holiday' by The Get Up Kids
Holiday. Holy Day. Every day is Holy. Even those you choose to spend in bed.


Good Night.

35: The Self Indulgent Special

When you start listening to this episode you will realise why I might have waited a while before unleasing it upon our small but devoted fan base.... (Glen)

This was a failed experiment in radio broadcasting, possibly a subconscious attempt to get taken off the air. My wife calls it "a cry for help."   Bad for the eyesight good for the colon: it is the Self Indulgent Special which you can listen to...

here

I apologise for the lack of quality in this weeks write up... but I have a lot of things I'm meant to be doing so I'm just going to bash this one out as quickly as possible.

Track Listings

"I Touch Myself" Performed by Rolf Harris (originally by Divynals)
I'm sorry... I'm so so sorry.
Someone told me that their mum was listining to the radio when this came on.
When bad things happen to be from now on I will know it was becuase I played this recording of a much loved Australian children's entertainer tickling his old fella.  And not because I once called the police on a bunch of teenager who were holding an orgy in a railway tunnel.

"Waggy" By Blink 182
The number 182  referes to the the average number of strokes required to become mechanically aroused without the use of any other stimulous. This was tested in 1982 in an isolation tank in California with a research pool of seven hundred body-builders and one nineteen year old nurse.

"Long View" by Greenday
Once when I was a thirteen I went to the dentist to have filling replaced, she was wearing a blue shirt. At one point she had to put her knee up on the chair to get a better angle to drill on my tooth. Because of the way the cloth folded I got clean line of sight between the buttons into the valley of her cleavage. Ever since then the sound of a dentist's drill still wakes me up at night.

"Why Bother" by Weezer
Girl Pirates on the high seas of the Caribbean would sometimes expose their breasts in the midst of battle. It is said that the sea air and active lifestyle made them so exquisite as to render any full blooded male enamoured to the point of paralysis by their warm and succulent proximity. one by one the armys of the world succumbed and died with with a smile on their face and rapiers blade hilt deep in their flesh. So it was that the Caribbean became a world power it is to day.

"Wow I Can Get Sexual Too" by Say Anything.
A Summer's day... a softly vibrating vehicle. Gear-stick throbbing in your hand. Some girl in a Fiat Punto with a businesslike haircut avoiding your eye contact.  She is four feet and two sheets of glass away but you can feel the chemistry. Then the lights change and you never see her again. 

"Paulina" by No Doubt
Gwen Stefani. Baywatch.  Loaded Magazine.  The naked swimming scene in "Walkabout". Any French film on Channel Four.   Enormous Boobs
 
"Fourteen" by The Vandals
 When I was fourteen the internet didn't really exist as we know it today. There was no streaming video only grainy one minute clips that could not be previewed and often took over an hour download. Deep in the the dead of night even still images could take a full minutes to slowly resolve in-front of my eager adolescent eyes. Quite frankly it was impractical, also the dial up modems made a lot of noise and tended to give me away.



"Leave it Alone" by No FX
Sometimes I think about what it will be like to be in an old people's home. I like to think that I'll still have my hair and as long as I can stay thin I reckon I'll still be quite a good looking for an octogenarian. I reckon if I live pretty cleanly then I can outlive the majority of my sexual competition and it will be a full on hump-fest!!


"The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston
 Learning to love yourself, is the greatest love of all. The French have several words for love. If this had been true of English this song might have made a lot more sense.

Goodnight everyone.

;)

34: The banana in your Tail Pipe Special

In the car on the way to the studio I said to Matt that I had not realised the metaphorical significance of the Banana in the Tail Pipe joke in the Beverly Hils Cop film. (much loved but now forgotten classic of the 1980s childhood) and he admitted to me that it was indeed a revelation to him.  So we started the show with it.

A show you can listen to
  
Here
We do actually have another theme... or at least I do, but more about that in the...

Track listings

'Dann's Old Friend Dave is a Tool/ Don't let her pull you down' by A New Found Glory 
I have a few friends call Dave. None of them are "tools". I especially like Big Dave who got drunk at my wedding, threw up a lot and then passed out in the long grass. Also Dave the Librarian who writes stories about Joan of Arc and takes girls to Gay Bars when they are feeling down. Finally there is Dave the Doctor, he was kind of a tool when we were teens I guess but he has a beard now which has to count for something.

'Brand New Colony' The Postal Service
I think we have played this before so I am just going to seek out what wrote last time and insert it here as a quote. I sure it will be pure gold... I'm wrong we haven't. This is embarrassing. Um... does anyone want any more potato chips? Hey err... why don't we play twister?

'She Found You' by Sam I Am.
When I went to school I had a friend called Sam. We were good buddies for years. Towards the end of my time at that school I started getting bullied pretty bad and Sam never stood up for me.  Infact he kind of ditched me and joined in with the bullies. This ones for you traitor, I will never forgive you.

'Dime' by Cake
Cake. Possible the best and most underrated band in history. There they are pumping classic tracks in to obscurity while you the public are dishing out your hard earned credit to fill the local landfill with a billion plastic renditions of 'hit me baby one more time' be ashamed of yourselves you sick ass horny bastards.

'Alive with the Glory of Love' Say Anything
During the build up to this song I had no idea how good this was going to be. I think it may now be my current favourite song. After the one about the monkey riding the pig of course... and the theme tune to Happy Days...  Still it's up there though, definitely top ten.

"Blue Picasso" Peter, Bjorn and John
 Matt's thoughts on this track, take the form of a jingle advertising the community radio station that is fool enough to broadcast us every Friday Night at 8pm. 93.2 


'Babylon' by Skindred
I don't know about you, but I've been babbling on all night... 


'Hat and Feet' by Fountains of Wayne
I am at work right now. I've been here since 8am. I'm not going to leave the building till midnight. I know exactly how this dude feels.

Goodnight.

33 It's My Bris and I'll cry if i want to.

The week that this episodes aired a festival was thrown in our home town (Bristol UK) called BrisFest.
This is what a Bris is. I hope that makes things horrifically clear.

Anyway you can listen to this long awaited episode...


HERE

TRACK LISTINGS
'Beat it' by Pomplamoose (originally by Michael Jackson)
In the immortal words of Me first and the Gimme Gimmes, this next song's a cover... I am playing you-tube sensation, Pomplamoose for the same reason I play any track on this show: I quite fancy the lead singer. Good eyes... nice hair... talented.

'Chips Ahoy' by the Holdsteady
 One of the few bands that Matt and I agree on as being pretty awesome.  In the Video to this track the lead singer is like a cross between Elvis Costello and Will Farrell in Anchorman. You have to admit that's pretty hot by anyone's standards.
Did you realise that Anchorman is essentially a remake of "The China Syndrome" with Jane Fonda? Did you realise that they totally took jokes from/paid tribute to the awesome "Drop the Dead Donkey?" neither did I until I saw it with my own eyes.


'Peanuts' by Tindersticks 
 Not the cartoon I don't think but the Nut... which apparently isn't a true nut or something? I think it might be a seed or a bean or something. I have no idea really. They grow underground apparently. Like Goths, Orks and Plump Helmet.


'Cosmopolitan Blood Loss' by Glassjaw
"I feel cold Johnny... So cold"
"Just hold on, your gonna be fine, the medic is on the way and he's gonna fix you up real good I promise"
"Read to me Johnny... read to me from the list of 100 sex tips I need to know... please Jonny... I don't... I don't think I got long left to live."


DANN'S SIXTH FORM SONG
'Girl Like You' Edwynn Collins 
I don't know about you but I've never met a girl like this before.  I'm not sure I want to either though.
I went to school with a lot of girls. When I play this song I want them to know that this one is dedicated to all of them; individually and collectively and especially to those that let me touch their passionate areas.


'Get Better' Dan Le Sack vs Scroobius Pip
Hey! Pip and Sack, yeah I'm talking to you... While it was a good idea to 'Imagine' the song you describe you have failed to actually write it. I don't need your creepy-priest-like advice; Ice T told me how to get out of the Ghetto. I have another question! Better at what Scroobius? Animal Communication? Car Jacking? Knife Fighting? Did I say Animal Communication?
In the songs defence... My wife likes this track, and she is much smarter than I am.


'Nighty Night' by Jenny Owens Young 
This should be the last track we play as by the time it's finished you should all be asleep. Then I will snap my fingers and you will all wake up naked at an orgy in Matts "Entertainment Room" 'Welcome to the party' I will say, and then the real fun will begin.


'Admit It' by Say Anything
I guess this is the first time we play anything by Say Anything, but trust me we will be playing a lot of this as Matt gets lazier and lazier in his quest for new music.

I've had enough of this, I'm going to the bidet.